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Being a single mom is the hardest, most empowering thing I’ve ever done

It isn’t easy—but it does teach you how strong you are.

By Sydney Hutt Updated April 27, 2022

When I told my own mother that my husband and I were splitting up , the first thing she asked me was, “Are you sure?” She’d raised my three siblings and I almost single-handedly and insisted that it was “the hardest thing she’s ever done.”

However, I didn’t take her worries too seriously. At the time, I was so jazzed on the idea of independence, too busy scream-singing The Pussycat Dolls’ “I Don’t Need a Man” in the shower that I regarded my mom’s advice about being a single mom as a bridge for Future Sydney to cross.

Related: To the mama just starting the co-parenting journey: The handoffs were the hardest part for me

Well, that future came soon enough. Once I was on my own, I realized that even if I’d already felt like I was doing 90 percent of the parenting and cleaning and general household running many of us moms take upon ourselves, that 10 percent made a huge difference.

1. It’s so much harder than I thought it would be

My husband and I had a routine where he would do the kids’ bath and put them to bed so I could get a break after he got home from work. After he moved out, suddenly that was completely on me, no matter how burned-out I felt .

And not only was I doing all the work during the day, but then once they were asleep there was no one there to help me clean up the hurricane-house, or fold the endless baskets of laundry or to remember to turn the dishwasher on before bed. There was no one to get up with the kids in the middle of the night either, to help soothe their tears, or put them on the toilet , or give out Tylenol for sudden fevers or scrub puke out of the carpet. No one to pick up the prescriptions or forgotten groceries, to catch the things I’d dropped or missed. I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t overwhelmed at first.

2. It’s empowering

Last week, after I killed the second spider I’d found in my house in a matter of days, I sent my mom a triumphant text bragging about my courage. After all, I’d always been able to shriek and have a man rush to crush whatever creepy-crawly had sent me fleeing onto the furniture. In response, my mom texted me back: “Living alone is empowering because it’s not easy.”

And that’s the truth: Being forced to rely entirely on myself for the first time since I was 20 has caused me take on a level of responsibility that’s ultimately made me much, much happier (though also more wrinkly).

3. It’s lonely

One thing I really didn’t expect was the intense isolation that comes with being a single mom. When you’re married, you’re often so used to your partner’s constant presence that you can crave having the house to yourself—an evening alone seems like bliss from a distance.

But quickly I discovered that aaaall that quiet was a huge adjustment. After I put the kids down each night, I was forced to face the long, empty hours before bed that seemed impossible to fill without a companion. The silence was unnerving, and I fantasized about moving into my mom’s house where I could be sure of conversation. But I resisted, and recently, amazingly, I’ve noticed that for the first time ever I’m actually learning how to be alone—and loving it too! But, the odd time I do want to go out…

Related: Motherhood can be lonely, but I want my child to understand the importance of community

4. It’s really tough to get a night away

When I was still married, after my husband got home I’d often take off to the grocery store solo. I’d take my time and stroll down the aisles, pushing my cart like I was a celebrity and they’d closed the store just for me. Sometimes I’d stop by a friends’ house for wine and child-free conversation or go for a drive just to enjoy not reaching backwards groping blindly for a toy as nursery rhymes blare through the speakers. Now that I live alone, I’ve lost that free child-minding a marriage partner offers, and I spend more evenings on the couch yelling at MasterChef Canada than I’d like to admit.

5. The time off isn’t really “off”

Most Friday nights, my ex will swing by and pick up our kids so they can spend the weekend with him. He brings them back on Sundays, meaning I have about one full day without them. Initially, I had ALL the feelings about this arrangement. (What would I do with so much free time?!)

But it turns out, that day off is usually just me catching up on the things I didn’t get a chance to do during the week−a list that is now much longer than it used to be.

Related: What do moms do on their days off? Work

6. You compromise more

There is one fewer parent to go around now and my kids definitely feel it. They act out more than they used to and it seems they’re very aware of the fact that they outnumber me. I’m also unable now to give them each as much of that all-important individual time they enjoyed before my husband and I split. The guilt about this can weigh pretty heavy at times, but I’m learning to recognize that while I’m not giving my girls everything, I really am doing the best I can—and that has to be good enough.

Related: 10 ways to get past conflict with your co-parent

7. You compromise less

Marriage is all about compromise, whether it’s agreeing on paint colors, or household chores or how to spend your money. Since I’ve moved out on my own, I’ve discovered that there is absolute liberation in not having to consider anyone else’s opinion.

My bedroom is the girliest it’s been since I was a teenager, I have books stacked in every corner of my house and if I don’t want to wash the dishes at the end of the night I really don’t have to. My home is entirely mine and it’s a freedom I plan on savoring, along with sleeping smack-dab in the center of the bed and hogging every last pillow.

8. You begin extreme vetting of potential partners

With all this independence and empowerment, I’ve become very unwilling to give up or even share my new life with anyone. I’m being cautious. I’m wary of needing someone too much, of leaning on them instead of myself—it would probably be an easy habit to slide back into. And even now that I am seeing someone, I’ve set serious limits, most of which equal moving about as fast as frozen molasses in terms of how much time and space I’ll devote to our relationship.

I’m not looking for someone to take back that 10 percent and make my life easier—after all, it’s the tough stuff that reminds me what I’m made of.

A version of this story was published July 16, 2017. It has been updated

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What You Don't Know Until You're a Single Mom

No one's around to pat you on the back — or tell you what to do.

But my little family with my 8-year-old and 10-year-old daughters is my greatest source of joy. Sure, there's no partner on hand to tell me after a difficult day that I'm doing a good job — but there's no one around to tell me I should be doing it any different, either. Along the way, I've learned a few things.

1. You alone are responsible.

Every time you pass that stray sock on the stairs that fell out of the laundry basket, you inexplicably hope that someone will pick it up for you. It will live there until you do it.

2. You can't threaten your kids with "wait until your father gets home!"

You're judge, jury, executioner. And then you become comforter of the very child you just scolded. It's complicated.

3. Nobody's eating the leftovers.

Those Tupperware containers in the fridge are one of many reminders that the man of the house is gone. Your notion of how much food to make is all out of whack. Soon you will stop making meals that have leftovers . Because without a husband to please, chicken nuggets for the kids and wine and a salad for you is a damn fine meal.

4. You get to use all of the closets.

Spread your clothes out . Let them breathe. The shower, too. All of those hair products you wanted to try, then couldn't throw out even though you didn't like them? There's room for all of them in the shower, because it's all yours now.

5. You can bring the catalogs inside.

When the catalogs arrive, chock full of tech gadgets or sports gear that you can't afford, you no longer have to hide them from your spouse. You can even let the kids cut them up to make a collage, then give that to daddy for Father's Day. Easy peasy.

6. Some broken stuff will stay broken.

The leaky faucet can be fixed by placing a bucket in the sink, then using the caught water for plants. The broken garage door that is holding your car hostage requires a repairman . Choose your battles.

7. There won't be any unexpected charges on the credit card statement.

You know exactly what you bought , and owe, because you're the only one shopping. Unless you aren't, and there's fraud protection for that. But mostly, your budget is yours.

8. The dog poop out back is all yours, too.

Talk about fun!

9. Sick days are brutal.

Sick kids mean not getting anything done as you comfort and care of them, trying to create remedies from the stuff on hand so that you don't have to take a sick child to the store, all while trying not to come in direct contact with them, because then you will become the sick one, and there is no backup to cover for you when you are ill . You get up with a fever and get the kids off to school. Because that's what single moms do. This will feel like hell at the time, but will in fact be all the proof you ever needed that you are an epic badass.

10. Resign yourself to smaller celebrations.

Kids can't buy extravagant birthday or mother's day gifts for you. Because you're the one who does all the shopping. And how do you take them shopping and pay for a gift without seeing what it is? So gifts aren't bought. They're made. Which means more anyway.

11. Vacations can be a challenge.

Navigating airports, lengthy flights , car rentals , and long car rides as a solo parent will seem too daunting to even consider. Do it anyway, just to prove to yourself that you can. And to show your kids how amazing you really are. Years later they won't remember that you forgot to take the liquids bag out at security and held up the whole line of cranky travelers, but they will remember swimming with you in the hotel pool and being the center of your universe for that moment.

Cassandra Dunn is the author of novel The Art of Adapting (Touchstone/Simon & Schuster).

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The beauty of being a single mom people don't understand

The summer I was 31, I put my belongings in storage and went to Europe. I told everyone I was planning to finally finish my novel, but in reality, I was hoping to meet my future husband. I went on Tinder dates across Europe before I settled in Dublin, Ireland, for a few months. 

By the fall, I was back in the U.S. I didn’t have a husband, or a boyfriend. But I was pregnant, and committed to raising my child as a single mom . The details matter less and less with each passing year, and I try to keep them relatively opaque to preserve my daughter’s privacy. But her dad isn’t in the picture or on her birth certificate. Since the first day I saw the double pale pink line on the pregnancy test, it’s just been the two of us. And I am so grateful for that.

In my 20s, I worked at a women’s magazine, primarily focused on sex and relationship content. My circle of friends was predominantly women. I saw relationships as a means to an end. By the time I hit 30 and more of my friends were becoming partnered, I felt unmoored and panicky. I was done with my life as a single woman, but unsure what I wanted for the future. I would approach dates like job interviews, trying to cast the person in front of me for the role of husband. Did he have a stable job? Great. A good relationship with his family? Awesome. Did he want kids in the future? Then I would do whatever I could to ensure we would have a second date. I didn’t have time to talk about favorite books or musical tastes or what inspired him. If he sounded good on paper, then he was the right fit for me. To me, having a partner was essential to “ladder up” in the game of life. While I knew this wasn’t a healthy approach to relationships, I also didn’t really see an alternative. I wanted a family. And a husband was the way to get it.

But then, my unexpected pregnancy changed everything — starting with my outlook.

The more things I did by myself — even things that people around me said couldn’t be done, like taking care of a newborn alone — the more I realized I didn’t need a partner. In fact, I realized that in many ways, I didn’t want one.

I went to the hospital in labor on the subway, by myself. I came home three days later, cesarean-section-sore, by myself. For the first seven months of being a parent, my daughter came everywhere with me, simply because there was no one else to watch her. Were there sleepless nights? Of course. Hours of endless Googling the afternoon she rolled off the bed onto the carpeted floor? Without a doubt. But there was also a sense of calm growing inside me. The more things I did by myself — even things that people around me said couldn’t be done, like taking care of a newborn alone — the more I realized I didn’t need a partner. In fact, I realized that in many ways, I didn’t want one.

This became more apparent as I saw how easily resentments could grow in relationships . I saw partnered friends struggle with compromises and have disagreements about child-rearing. Everything from which foods to introduce to their infants to where to send their child to day care was a topic for discussion, and often disagreement. Not needing to compromise made me rely on my own intuition and become incredibly comfortable with my own internal voice and compass. 

I was also falling in love, and it looked nothing like what I had imagined. Instead of falling in love with a potential partner, I was experiencing love for the first time with my child. I was entranced by her opinions and her personality, the way she loved animals and sang off-key to the “Frozen” soundtrack and the millions of other things she did that were toddler-typical but also unique to her. She had mannerisms that I recognized from my own childhood pictures — a half smile, bright blue eyes — but was so very much herself. 

She was also completely dependent on me. Everything from the jobs I took to where I lived was decided within the lens of what was best for her. But rather than feel resentful, I felt empowered. I had the ability to put someone else above myself. 

Rather than feel resentful, I felt empowered. I had the ability to put someone else above myself.

In my 20s, I dated one man for six months, which is my longest romantic relationship to date. His biography — lawyer, smart, wanted kids in the future — checked all the right boxes. One night, he called me because he had sprained his wrist during a workout. “I don’t want to be by myself tonight. I think I need someone here,” he said. I remember bristling in annoyance. I had a huge work project due the next day. My plan had been to spend the weekend holed up in my apartment, alone, completing it. In fact, I had liked being by myself, without anyone interrupting me. I didn’t want to be with him, and I didn’t want anyone depending on me. But I felt the right thing to do was to put aside my own needs and go take care of him for the evening, even though I was resentful and angry.

We broke up not long after, but that experience worried me. Maybe, I thought, it was proof I wasn’t meant for relationships. His request had been so normal. Why had it made me so angry? It wasn’t until I was parenting Lucy did I realize what love without expectations felt like. I was learning to parent while learning to love, and it was a deep, intense, healing journey that would have been impossible if I had just fallen into a relationship because someone checked the right boxes.

I don’t want to say that being a solo parent is easy. It’s not. I’ve made a ton of compromises in my career to have the flexibility needed for taking care of a young child. The parent-child relationship when there’s only one parent and one child can be incredibly intense. I never want Lucy to feel responsible for my emotions, and I want her to realize that while this is a life that makes sense for me, it’s not one that makes sense for everyone. I would love her to be able to have that deep, all-consuming love with a partner that eluded me in my twenties. But I know now that it’s also fine if she doesn’t. 

Today, Lucy is 8. And I know a child is very different from having a partner. But as so many of my friends’ and acquaintances’ marriages crumbled due to COVID and other factors, I’m so thankful for the stability that I was able to give Lucy by recognizing that my potential as a parent was independent of my potential as a partner.  

In the past two years, I’ve also started going on dates. I’ve lost the need to couple up, which has meant I’m a lot more genuine on dates. I’ve lost the “pick me, pick me” mentality of my 20s and finally have the perspective I needed to determine: Do I like this person? I also have confidence in knowing what is right for me. I know that I will never settle into something that isn’t the right fit, and that’s something I want Lucy to learn, too. I want her to learn she has inner strength and resolve inside her. But most of all, I want her to know that sometimes, living life out of order can be magical, empowering and exactly the right path.

Do you have a personal essay to share with TODAY? Please send your ideas to  [email protected] .

Anna Davies is a writer, editor and content strategist living in Jersey City, New Jersey, with her daughter. She has written for The New York Times, New York, Glamour and others. She loves traveling and sharing the adventures she has with her daughter on Instagram @babybackpacker . 

Preparing to Be a Single Mother by Choice Was the Hardest Thing I've Ever Done. Here's How I Got Through It.

It was a cold February day when I found myself lying on the table, my feet in stirrups, anxiously awaiting the sound of my 8.5-week-old fetus's heartbeat. My eyes searched the monitor, following the pointer, but the nurse turned to me and the doctor, shaking her head. My heart sank as I realized there was no little flicker on the screen, no heartbeat.

This was my first attempt at conceiving my second child, and my first experience with in vitro fertilization ever. IVF was expensive but promised good success rates, so I had started the process with excitement and anticipation after two failed attempts at intrauterine insemination ( IUI ).

But even though my IVF cycle had produced two grade AA embryos (a sign of good quality embryos that have a great chance of "sticking") and my pregnancy had been confirmed at six-and-a-half weeks, it ended that day in the doctor's office, two weeks later. I was crushed.

That was my first miscarriage . But sadly, I would go on to have four more over three years, before I finally got to welcome my second child. And as a single mom by choice, I went through all of that alone, just as I had with my first child.

My decision to become a single mother by choice was a five-year journey, one that started with the end of my marriage , which I came to realize wasn't aligned with my desires to have children. I knew I wanted to be a mother more than I wanted to be a wife, and I was determined to make it happen. I planned, and researched, and pushed forward — and now I have two amazing kids.

I love my family exactly as it is. But while I'd expected single parenthood to be challenging — as all parenthood is — I was often surprised by the actual hurdles that I faced when it came to preparing to be a parent.

I came to learn that this is common for single parents by choice (often called SPC or SMC). When partnered people have questions about preparing for parenthood, there are books and online communities that speak directly to them. For single people , the very questions that come up — about getting pregnant, having a baby, and ensuring a future for the child — can be different. And the advice that works for partnered people doesn't always apply.

When I was trying to get pregnant with my second child, for instance, I was grappling with the physical symptoms of IVF cycles and the emotional grief of miscarriages while handling the logistics of caring for my eldest child all on my own. While most parents have heard that the transition from one child to two can be daunting, I hadn't heard anyone warning about the particular issues I was facing as an SPC. I'm grateful that I've always had a strong support village around me, and I ended up making it through. But it was one of the few times I've thought that things might be easier with a partner.

Another unexpected challenge came during my first attempt at conceiving, when I was choosing a sperm donor. I was shocked to find that there were few Black sperm donors available . As a Black woman myself, this meant being faced with intentionally creating a multiracial child, a prospect that required significant reflection and processing.

If I had a child with a partner of a different race, we would navigate racial dynamics together. But as a single parent by choice, I would bear the sole responsibility for explaining to my child why I made the decision I did and answering any other questions that arose about their identity and heritage.

Ultimately, this made me be even more thoughtful and deliberate in my choice of donor than I otherwise would have been. But I had to figure out the way forward on my own without much help from established resources or friends who'd been through the same thing.

It was the same when I was faced with figuring out how to tell my child their conception story, and how to have conversations about estate planning (which is crucial as a single parent with no built-in backup plan in the form of a partner). I forged my own way through research and the support of my community, but I had to do a lot of figuring out on my own, and at times I felt very alone.

Ultimately, preparing to be a single parent was the hardest thing I've ever done. But the experience of parenting my children has been incredibly rewarding. Becoming a single mother by choice has allowed me to fulfill my dream of motherhood and gave me a newfound sense of strength and purpose. It may not be the traditional path, but it can be a beautiful one.

Because I often struggled to find resources during my journey, I try to be a source of support to other SPC and SPC-to-be. And in our conversations, I often end up repeating the same advice.

• Stay focused on your end goal: to become a parent. How you get to that end goal might look different than what you anticipated, so plan to be flexible on your journey, knowing that only your end result is non-negotiable.
• Be clear about your goals and expectations for parenthood. What kind of parent do you want to be? What values do you want to instill in your child? Life can be unpredictable, especially as the sole parent, and when you find yourself in difficult parenting situations, it's helpful to have a clear set of expectations to fall back on. This will help you avoid getting caught up in the heat of the moment and allow you to focus on what's really important in that parenting moment.
• Build a support system of friends, family, and fellow single parents by choice. Surround yourself with people who can provide emotional support and practical assistance when needed. Although at times the road to single parenthood can feel lonely, you're not alone on this journey, and there are many people and resources available to help you every step of the way. But one thing I did with my support system that I suggest everyone do is that I informed them I was seeking their support and not their permission. This goes back to being focused on your goal. I made it clear that I was becoming a parent. Removing the idea that I was at all flexible cut down on the number of times I was faced with harmful negativity.
• Protect your mental health. Throughout the process, I took care to stay connected to my emotions by journaling and talk therapy. No matter how excited you are to create your family, you may confront some feelings of grief along the way. I needed space to process my feelings and mourn the loss of ever having a family in the traditional way. I also had to mourn after each miscarriage. Giving myself the time and space to do this allowed me to be a better parent later on.
• And most importantly, give yourself grace. The desire to parent is something that cannot be measured or defined by traditional lines. Acknowledge your emotions and seek support when you need it; you're human. These are actually the characteristics you'll find useful in the future as you parent your child.

Aisha Jenkins founded the podcast " Start to Finish Motherhood " for single parents by choice and people thinking about becoming one.

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Open Access

Peer-reviewed

Research Article

Growing up with a single mother and life satisfaction in adulthood: A test of mediating and moderating factors

Affiliation German Institute for Economic Research, Berlin, Germany

* E-mail: [email protected]

Affiliation Department of Psychology, University of Warwick, Coventry, United Kingdom

• David Richter, 
• Sakari Lemola

• Published: June 15, 2017
• https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0179639
• Reader Comments

Single parenthood is increasingly common in Western societies but only little is known about its long-term effects. We therefore studied life satisfaction among 641 individuals (ages 18–66 years) who spent their entire childhood with a single mother, 1539 individuals who spent part of their childhood with both parents but then experienced parental separation, and 21,943 individuals who grew up with both parents. Individuals who grew up with a single mother for their entire childhood and to a lesser degree also individuals who experienced parental separation showed a small but persistent decrease in life satisfaction into old age controlling childhood socio-economic status. This decrease was partly mediated by worse adulthood living conditions related to socio-economic and educational success, physical health, social integration, and romantic relationship outcomes. No moderation by age, gender, and societal system where the childhood was spent (i.e. western oriented FRG or socialist GDR) was found.

Citation: Richter D, Lemola S (2017) Growing up with a single mother and life satisfaction in adulthood: A test of mediating and moderating factors. PLoS ONE 12(6): e0179639. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0179639

Editor: Jacobus P. van Wouwe, TNO, NETHERLANDS

Received: November 15, 2016; Accepted: June 1, 2017; Published: June 15, 2017

Copyright: © 2017 Richter, Lemola. This is an open access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License , which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original author and source are credited.

Data Availability: Data are available from the German Socio-economic Panel Study (SOEP) due to third party restrictions (for requests, please contact [email protected] ). The scientific use file of the SOEP with anonymous microdata is made available free of charge to universities and research institutes for research and teaching purposes. The direct use of SOEP data is subject to the strict provisions of German data protection law. Therefore, signing a data distribution contract is a precondition for working with SOEP data. The data distribution contract can be requested with a form. The form is provided here: http://www.diw.de/documents/dokumentenarchiv/17/diw_01.c.88926.de/soep_application_contract.pdf . For further information the SOEPhotline at either [email protected] or +49 30 89789- 292 can be contacted.

Funding: The authors received no specific funding for this work.

Competing interests: The authors have declared that no competing interests exist.

Introduction

Single parenthood is increasingly common in Western societies, with 27.5% of children in the US currently being raised in single-parent households—more than 80% of them in households headed by single mothers [ 1 ]. Although the importance of studying the long-term consequences of single parenthood on children is clear, there is still a dearth of knowledge on the relative strength of long-term effects of single parenthood on children’s well-being at different stages of the adult life-span as well as on the involved mechanisms. Therefore, we study differences in life-satisfaction across adulthood related to differences in childhood family structure in a large representative German panel study. We focus on life-satisfaction in adulthood as a highly desirable characteristic which is assumed to play a crucial role for the populations' health, longevity, and citizenship [ 2 , 3 ].

There are three main pathways by which being raised by a single mother may produce a long-lasting impact on well-being in adulthood. First, children in single-mother households are more likely to suffer from less effective guardianship and a higher likelihood of family distress and conflicts (e.g., [ 4 ]). It is well established that two-parent families generally provide more emotional resources to children than single-parent families (e.g., [ 5 , 6 ]). In a related vein, children, whose parents divorce, exhibit slightly lower psychological well-being and social adjustment than children from stable two-parent families (e.g., [ 5 , 7 , 8 – 10 ]). The experience of parental divorce may cause further emotional distress to the child [ 5 , 11 ] and may eventually lead to an insecure attachment representation [ 5 , 12 ]. Prolonged family distress and insecure attachment representation may in turn complicate the development of social skills and make it more difficult to engage in satisfying intimate relationships which may eventually also hamper life-satisfaction during adulthood [ 12 ].

A second pathway of impact is related to the generally lower socio-economic status and increased risk of economic deprivation among children in single-mother households (e.g., [ 4 ]). Economic deprivation affects children's adjustment and well-being in multiple ways. Children from poor households are at increased risk to live in a low quality home environment and poor neighborhood conditions. They are more often exposed to harsh parental rearing practices and poor parental mental health, and they more often receive suboptimal nutrition and suffer from poor physical health [ 13 ]. Finally, economic deprivation also increases the likelihood of these children to enter careers with poor socio-economic prospects and to show poor social integration when they reach early adulthood [ 5 ].

A third pathway can be summarized as the ‘missing-father hypothesis.’ In popular science, it has been discussed that children need both a mother and a father, presuming that fathering involves distinct and necessary qualities which are particularly important for gender identity formation in boys (e.g., [ 14 , 15 ]). There is also evidence that the absence of a father is associated with an increase in antisocial behaviors in boys, including violence, criminality, and substance abuse [ 16 ] and a decrease in social adjustment in general [ 5 ].

The present study

In the present study, we examine whether general life satisfaction is lower among adults raised by a single mother than for adults raised in two-parent families. To do so, we compare the general life satisfaction of adults reared by their single mothers with respondents who grew up with both parents. As single parenthood and parental divorce are associated with parental socio-economic background and education, we statistically control for parents’ education and occupational prestige along with the respondents’ age and sex.

We expect to find a dose-response relationship, that is, that adults who spent at least part of their childhood in a two-parent family are affected less—despite the significant stresses associated with the experience of parental separation [ 5 ]. We expect a smaller decrease in general life satisfaction in this group, as the parent who left the family may still provide resources to support children when they enter adulthood—which is less likely when the parent has never lived together with the child.

Second, we test mediation models namely whether the association between childhood family structure and general adulthood life satisfaction is mediated by life outcomes that may be summarized as adulthood life success, including educational attainment, employment status, occupational prestige, net income, physical health, integration into social networks, and success in romantic relationships as there is evidence that these life-circumstances are affected in a negative way by growing up in a single parent household and/or by having experienced parental divorce [ 5 ]. We hypothesize that differences in these life circumstances during adulthood partly explain the difference in general adulthood life satisfaction between individuals who have been raised by single mothers and their counterparts who grew up with both parents.

Third, we test moderation of the effects by three possible moderating variables, age, gender, and societal system where the children grew up. Regarding age differences one might assume that the effects of single parenthood wane across the adult life-span following the general psychological principle that the longer ago a negative experience the smaller the imposed impact (e.g., [ 17 ]). Regarding gender differences we test the idea frequently echoed in popular science, namely that men who were raised by single mothers are more disadvantaged in adulthood than their female counterparts. Finally, regarding the question if different societal systems differentially affect the role of childhood family settings for adulthood life satisfaction we compare individuals who grew up in the Federal Republic of Germany and in the German Democratic Republic. The western oriented Federal Republic of Germany (FRG) and the socialist German Democratic Republic (GDR), which existed between 1949 and 1990, differed sharply in terms of several variables that may possibly be relevant for single parent families namely divorce rate, female participation in the labor market, and child day-care infrastructure. The divorce rate in the socialist GDR was nearly twice as high as in the FRG and female participation in the labor market was at 89% compared to 55% in the FRG in 1990 [ 18 ]. Even more drastic difference existed with regard to the child day-care infrastructure; more than half of the children who grew up in the socialist GDR were in regular day-care, which was free of charge, while less than 2% were in day-care in the FRG at the end of the 1980s [ 19 ]. Due to these differences we expect that children who grew up with single mothers in the socialist GDR were less disadvantaged compared to their counterparts who grew up with both parents than children who grew up with single mothers in the FRG; we expect this, as the higher divorce-rate may have reduced the stigma associated with single parenthood in the GDR, moreover, single motherhood was possibly related with relatively less economic burden in the GDR compared to the FRG.

The data are from the SOEP (Version 30), which is an ongoing, nationally representative longitudinal study of private households in Germany running since 1984. Comprehensive information about the data collection, design, respondents, variables, and assessment procedures is reported in Wagner, Frick, and Schupp [ 20 ].

The sample comprised of 26,936 adults born after 1946, of whom 24,123 adults between the ages of 17 and 66 years ( M = 37.86 years, SD = 13.50 years; 52.1% female) were analyzed in the present paper. Given the present study’s focus on the effect of single parenthood vs. growing up with both parents, we categorized the participants into three subgroups: individuals who lived with both parents up to the age of 15 ( n = 21,943), those whose parents separated and who lived with their mothers for between one and fourteen years ( n = 1539), and those who lived with a single mother up to the age of 15 ( n = 641). Data from 2813 respondents were excluded who had spent part of their childhood in different family settings (e.g., raised by the mother and a new partner, by a single father with or without a new partner, or by other relatives; among the excluded respondents there were 207 individuals who grew up with a single father for 1–14 years and 21 individuals who grew up with a single father for 15 years, respectively).

Regarding the societal system where the children grew up, in the FRG, 18,186 respondents grew up with both parents up to the age of fifteen, 1234 lived with their mothers for between one and fourteen years, and 483 lived with a single mother up to the age of fifteen. In the former GDR, 3757 respondents grew up with both parents up to the age of fifteen, 305 lived with their mothers for between one and fourteen years, and 158 lived with a single mother up to the age of fifteen.

Although life satisfaction has been measured since the very beginning of the SOEP study in 1984, the information on where respondents had spent the first fifteen years of their lives was only available for respondents who entered the panel after the year 2000. During the fourteen years of data collection, respondents reported their general life satisfaction (‘All things considered, how satisfied are you with your life in general?’) at the end of each yearly interview using an 11-point scale ranging from 0 ( completely dissatisfied ) to 10 ( completely satisfied ), a measure with high reported reliability and validity [ 21 ]. To minimize error variance and to get a global indicator of adult well-being, general life satisfaction was estimated by aggregating all data available to build a mean-score ( M = 7.33, SD = 1.49). On average, respondents provided 4.71 ( SD = 4.29; range = 1–14) data points of general life satisfaction.

When entering the panel study, respondents reported where they had grown up in the first fifteen years of their life (“How many years of your childhood (up until age fifteen) did you live with the following persons? Please round off to the nearest year”). For our analyses, we used data from the response options “with both your father and mother (biological or adoptive)” and “with your mother without a new husband or partner”.

The participants also reported their socio-economic status (SES) in childhood (i.e., their parents’ education and occupational prestige), their own SES in adulthood (i.e., employment status, occupational prestige, education, and net income), their physical health status during adulthood (the number of visits to the doctor, reverse-coded), their social integration in adulthood (number of friends, number of visits to/from friends, and number of visits to/from family members), and success in romantic relationships (their relationship status and if they were divorced). Descriptive statistics of the study variables for the three subgroups are presented in Table 1 .

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Occupational prestige was scored from 13 to 78 using the Standard International Occupation Prestige Score index (SIOPS; [ 22 ]). Occupational prestige was not available for 5377 (22.3%) of the respondents and for 12,331 (51.1%) mothers and 7097 (29.4%) fathers of respondents. In most cases these individuals had no occupational prestige due to being homemakers or being unemployed. In rare cases, however, participants also did not know their parents’ occupation. Missing occupational prestige was scored with the lowest value possible following the rationale that being unemployed or homemaker is regarded as lower in prestige than all other paid work. Respondents’ general occupational prestige was estimated by calculating the mean of all yearly data available.

Education of parents measured when respondents entered the panel and scored from 1 to 3 (no education [ 1 ]: no school attendance, no degree obtained, other degree obtained, or respondent did not know; low education [ 2 ]: lower-track secondary school; and high education [ 3 ]: intermediate-track or upper-track secondary school). Education of respondents was scored using the International Standard Classification of Education (ISCED-1997; [ 23 ]. Prior to the analyses respondents’ ISCED-Scores were collapsed into three categories (low education [ 1 ]: ISCED-Scores 0, 1, and 2; medium education [ 2 ]: ISCED-Scores 3 and 4; and high education [ 3 ]: ISCED-Scores 5 and 6). Missing information on education ( n = 138, 0.6%) was scored as the lowest category.

Yearly data on the employment status of respondents were coded to generate a continuous index (full-time employment was coded 1.0, regular part-time employment or vocational training were coded 0.5, marginal, irregular part-time employment was coded 0.25, and not employed was coded 0.0) and collapsed into a mean score to represent the general employments status of respondents across the years they reported their life satisfaction.

The number of doctor visits as well as their generalized monthly net income in EUR were estimated by calculating the mean of all yearly data available.

Social network status was measured in the years 2003, 2008, and 2013. Respondents reported how often they “visited or were visited by neighbors, friends, or acquaintances” and how often they “visited or were visited by family members or relatives” on a 1 ( daily ) to 5 ( never ) scale. In the analysis, the scales of these variables were reversed. In addition, respondents answered the question “how many close friends would you say that you have?”. Respondents’ general social network status was estimated by calculating the mean of all data available.

Respondents’ partnership status was coded (with partner was coded 1.0, no partner was coded 0.0) and collapsed into a mean score to represent the respondent’s general relationship status across the years they reported their life satisfaction. Similarly, we coded whether respondents’ marital status was “divorced” (divorced was coded 1.0, all other marital statuses were coded 0.0) for the years they reported their life satisfaction and collapsed the data into a mean score.

Intercorrelations of all study variables are depicted in S1 Table .

In a first step, respondents’ z-standardized general life satisfaction served as the dependent variable in hierarchical multiple regression analyses. In this analysis, dummy-coded variables were used to represent the childhood family settings of the subgroups. These analyses controlled respondents’ age, age 2 , age 3 , and sex as well as parents’ education (dummy coded) and parents’ occupational prestige (standardized). Age was centered before age 2 and age 3 were calculated.

In a second step, analyses of variance were conducted to test whether indicators of adulthood life outcomes including adulthood SES, physical health, social integration, and success in romantic relationships varied significantly in the three aforementioned subgroups. Again, respondents’ age, age 2 , age 3 , and sex as well as parents’ education (dummy coded) and occupational prestige (standardized) were entered into the equations to control for these background variables.

In a third step, mediation analyses were conducted to test whether differences in adulthood life satisfaction related to childhood family structure were mediated by indicators of adulthood life outcomes including adulthood SES, physical health, social integration, and success in romantic relationships in adulthood. These possible mediators of the effect of childhood family settings on general life satisfaction were entered in three blocks. In model 1 (baseline model), parents’ education (dummy coded) and occupational prestige (standardized) were included into the equation to control for childhood SES. In model 2, respondents’ own education (dummy coded), occupational prestige (standardized), employment status (centered), and net income (standardized) were entered as one block representing adulthood SES. In model 3, respondents’ adulthood physical health (number of doctor visits, reverse coded, and centered) was entered to the equation. Finally, in model 4 respondents’ number of friends (centered), visits to/from friends (centered), visits to/from family members (centered), partnership status (centered), and having been divorced (centered) were entered as one block representing adulthood social integration and success in romantic relationships.

First, we compared the variance explained by childhood family settings (only controlling age, age 2 , age 3 , and sex) with the variance that childhood family settings explained after the control variables of model 1 (childhood SES) had been entered to the regression model. Second, we compared the variance explained by childhood family settings in model 1 (only controlling childhood SES) with the variance that childhood family settings explained after the mediators of model 2 (adulthood SES) had been entered to the regression model. Third, we compared the variance explained by the childhood family settings in model 2 with the variance that childhood family settings explained after the mediators of model 3 (model 2 mediators plus physical health) had been entered to the regression model. Finally, we compared the variance explained by the childhood family settings in model 3 with the variance that childhood family settings explained after the mediators of model 4 (model 3 mediators plus adulthood social integration and success in romantic relationships) had been entered to the regression model.

Additionally, we also evaluated indirect paths of childhood family settings on adulthood general life satisfaction via these mediators employing the Structural Equation Modeling module of stata 13. Here, all possible indirect paths were tested in individual models controlling age, age 2 , age 3 , sex, and childhood SES.

In a fourth step, we included interaction terms into the regression analyses to analyze if the effects of the childhood family structure on adulthood life satisfaction varied depending on respondents’ sex and age when completing the questionnaire following the procedure proposed by Aiken and West [ 24 ]. In addition, we tested whether associations of the different childhood family settings with general life satisfaction in adulthood differed for individuals who grew up in the FRG or the GDR.

The analyses were conducted with SPSS 20 and stata 13.

Childhood family settings and adulthood life satisfaction

The main analyses showed a significant association of the different childhood family settings with general life satisfaction. Compared to people raised by both parents, respondents reared by a single mother for between 1 and 14 years or for the entire first 15 years of their lives reported significantly lower general life satisfaction than the group reared by both parents. The effect sizes for the difference in life satisfaction between the two groups reared by a single mother and the group reared by both parents were in the small range (1–14 years: d = 0.10 p < .001, entire first 15 years: d = 0.19, p < .001). Fig 1A depicts the association between childhood family settings and adulthood life satisfaction across the adult life-span controlling for childhood SES. The values underlying Fig 1A are reported in Table 2 , Model 1. The association between childhood family settings and adulthood life satisfaction was not moderated by respondents’ age or respondents’ sex (for further details see below).

A. Association of general life satisfaction with childhood family settings across the adult life-span controlling for respondents’ sex and childhood SES. 1B. Association of adulthood life outcomes (adulthood SES, physical health, social integration, and romantic relationship success) with childhood family settings controlling for respondents’ sex, age, and childhood SES.

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https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0179639.t002

Childhood family settings and adulthood life circumstances

Fig 1B depicts the various domains of adult life outcomes including adulthood SES, physical health, adulthood social integration, and romantic relationship success separately for individuals who grew up with both parents, who lived with a single mother for between one and 14 years (i.e., individuals whose parents separated at some point in childhood), or who spent their first 15 years living with a single mother, controlling for childhood SES. Growing up with a single mother was associated with lower SES in childhood including lower parental education and occupational prestige (mother’s education p < .01, all other p s < .001). Growing up with a single mother was further related to the participants’ own SES in adulthood including employment status, occupational prestige, and net income. This association exhibited evidence of a dose-response relationship: individuals who spent their first 15 years living with a single mother reported lower SES in adulthood than individuals who spent between 1 and 14 years living with a single mother, who again were lower than their counterparts who lived with both parents throughout childhood, controlling for their childhood SES (all linear trends p < 0.05).

Participants who spent their first 15 years with a single mother further showed a lower degree of social integration during adulthood, including a smaller number of friends and fewer visits to/from family as well as less success in romantic relationships, including a lower probability of living with a partner and a higher probability of having been divorced, controlling for childhood SES (linear trends p < 0.05). Again the effect was somewhat stronger for participants who lived with a single mother for their first 15 years compared to their counterparts whose parents separated at some point during childhood. Generally, the effect sizes were in the modest range, and no significant association between childhood family settings and physical health (number of doctor visits, reverse-coded) and number of visits to/from friends was revealed after controlling childhood SES (see also S2 Table ).

Mediation of the effect on life satisfaction by adulthood life circumstances

Mediation analyses revealed that a large part of the variance in life satisfaction between different childhood family settings was explained by childhood SES, including differences in the education and occupational prestige of the respondents’ parents (i.e., 29% of the variance; see Table 2 , Model 1). Inclusion of respondents’ own education, occupational prestige, employment status, and net income during adulthood into the model attenuated the association of the different childhood family settings with general life satisfaction by a further 20% (Model 2). Inclusion of physical health (Model 3) attenuated the association of the different childhood family settings with life satisfaction by a further 6%. Finally, inclusion of respondents’ social integration and success in romantic relationships attenuated the association of the different childhood family settings with life satisfaction by a further 16% (Model 4). However, the differences in general life satisfaction between respondents who lived with both parents for their first 15 years of life and either group of respondents reared by a single mother remained significant in all models, even when all adulthood life circumstances were controlled for.

Evaluation of the indirect paths between ‘growing up with a single mother for 1–14 years vs. with both parents’ and general life satisfaction revealed that paths mediated by respondents’ education, employment status, physical health, and number of friends were significant (p < 0.05, see Fig 2 ). Regarding indirect paths between ‘growing up with a single mother for the entire childhood vs. with both parents’ and general life satisfaction, paths mediated by respondents’ education, employment status, occupational prestige, net income, number of friends, visits to/from family, partnership status, and experience of divorce in adulthood were significant (p < 0.05, see Fig 2 ).

Indirect paths were estimated separately in individual models but illustrated here together in one model for presentational parsimony. All models controlled age, age2, age3, sex, and childhood SES. Values are unstandardized path coefficients with 95% confidence limits. Life satisfaction, occupational prestige and net income were standardized; employment status, physical health (number of doctor visits, reverse coded), number of friends, visits to/from family, partnership status, and having been divorced were centered.

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Moderation of the effect of life circumstances on life satisfaction by sex

Testing sex differences regarding the role of these adulthood life circumstances for life satisfaction revealed that physical health (i.e., the reverse-coded number of doctor visits; men: β = .09, t = 2.46, p > .05, women: β = .20, t = 5.80, p < .001, sex × physical health interaction: t = 2.66, p < .01) and number of friends (men: β = .05, t = 1.17, p = .241, women: β = .16, t = 4.61, p < .001, sex × number of friends interaction: t = 2.54, p < .01) were more strongly associated with life satisfaction among women who spent between 1 and 14 years of their childhood living with a single mother when compared to their male counterparts. No respective interactions with sex were found for those who spent 15 years living with a single mother.

Moderation of the effect of childhood family settings on life satisfaction by age, sex, and societal system (FGR vs. GDR)

Moderation effects of the association between childhood family settings and adulthood life satisfaction by respondents’ age and respondents’ sex were non-significant when controlling for respondents’ childhood SES (age: F (6, 24104) = 0.807, p = .564, all age × years with single mother interactions: t < 0.45, p > .656; sex: F (2, 24108) = 2.554, p = .078, sex × 1–14 years with single mother interaction: t = 1.74, p = .081, sex × 15 years with single mother interaction: t = 1.51, p = .131), indicating that the effect does not change with age and does not differ between men and women. In addition, the association between childhood family settings and adulthood life satisfaction did not differ significantly between individuals who grew up in the FGR or the GDR ( F (2, 24107) = 0.734, p = .480, Societal System × 1–14 years with single mother interaction: t = 1.14, p = .253, Societal System × 15 years with single mother interaction: t = 0.34, p = .731). This effect remained non-significant ( F (2, 13687) = 0.834, p = .453) when the sample was restricted to individuals born between 1946 and 1974 who lived for their whole childhood until the age of fifteen in the FRG or GDR, respectively.

This is the first study to show that growing up with a single mother is related to a stable although modest reduction in general life satisfaction across the adult life-span until old age when adjusting for poor childhood SES. Individuals who spent their entire first 15 years of life living with a single mother showed on average approximately twice the reduction in life satisfaction compared to individuals who spent only part of their first 15 years with a single mother, which is consistent with a dose-response relationship. This suggests that growing up with a single mother throughout all of childhood and early adolescence and the related lack of resources from the father more than outweighs the well-described negative effects related to parental separation [ 5 , 7 – 9 ].

The reduction in adulthood life satisfaction was partially mediated by the individuals’ living conditions, including their lower socio-economic status and educational level, lower physical health status, and poor social integration and romantic success in adulthood. This finding is consistent with studies on adult well-being after parental divorce [ 5 , 25 ]. The decrease in adulthood life satisfaction was not moderated by age, thus we could not find waning of the effect of single parenthood with increasing distance to childhood. This is in contrast to evidence on negative life events during adulthood including divorce, bereavement, and unemployment for which the general principle of adaptation holds positing that the impact of an negative event decreases with increasing time since the event has happened (e.g., [ 17 , 26 ]). However, and in contrast to studies on effects of negative life events during adulthood we here studied long-term effects of enduring childhood family settings which are possibly more likely to lead to long-term changes to the set-point of general life-satisfaction during adulthood. Moreover, we could not find evidence supporting the widely held notion from popular science that boys are more affected than girls by the absence of their fathers. However, we did find that in females who experienced parental separation during childhood, the effect was more strongly mediated by poor physical health and a smaller number of friends than in their male counterparts.

Finally, we did not find evidence for differential associations between growing up with a single mother in the western oriented FRG compared to the socialist GDR––this although one might expect that the higher divorce rate in the GDR could have reduced the stigma associated with single parenthood in the GDR. Moreover, one might expect that the higher rate of female participation in the work force as well as the higher number of children in day-care in the socialist GDR might have mitigated inequalities between children raised in single parent households compared to children from two-parent households in the GDR.

However, our finding of a non-significant difference between the FRG and the GDR is consistent with comparisons between children raised by single parents in states with well-established welfare systems such as Norway as compared to children from single parents from states with less well-established welfare systems such as the US who neither found any differences [ 27 ]. One explanation for the lack of differences in such comparisons can be summarized by a relative deprivation perspective which holds that existing small economic differences may still matter a lot in societies with a more even distribution of goods and which is in contrast to an absolute economic deprivation perspective [ 26 ]. A second explanation for finding no differences between the FRG and the GDR is that our respondents who grew up in the GDR responded to the study many years after the breakdown of the socialist state of the GDR in 1990. The breakdown of the socialist system has lead to many changes and new economic hardships to a part of the population [ 28 ]. It remains possible that such economic hardships might have stroke adults who grew up with a single mother more strongly than their counterparts who grew up in two-parent families as they possibly also received less support from their father while they were already adults. A third explanation for finding no differences between the FRG and the GDR is that the socio-emotional resources provided by the father were also lacking in single-parent households in the GDR. The deprivation from the father's socio-emotional resources may have outbalanced the effects of some possibly more favorable societal circumstances for single-parents in the GDR.

As a limitation of the study, it remains impossible to derive causality as growing up in a single-mother household and adulthood life satisfaction might both be influenced by a third variable such as genetic factors. In this respect, there is evidence that the risk of divorce is up to 30–40% hereditary which is mediated by personality traits such as negative affectivity [ 29 ]. In a similar vein, it is possible that the direction of the causal influence between the factors that we tested as mediators and life satisfaction are different than we have specified them. For instance it is possible that the relationship between physical health and life satisfaction is reverse involving an impact of life satisfaction on physical health.

A further limitation lies in the measurement of the childhood family settings which were reported retrospectively during adulthood. While it may be assumed that adults are able to reliably report whether they spent the entire childhood vs. only a part of their childhood with a single mother, this variable may still be subject to memory distortions. Furthermore, regarding the possible mediating factors of the effect of childhood family settings on adulthood life satisfaction, physical health could have been measured in a more sophisticated fashion. In the present study it was assessed by the number of visits to the doctor, while more objective measures of physical health such as a doctor’s examinations or physical fitness tests might have revealed different findings.

In conclusion, the present study shows that growing up with a single mother—in particular if the father is absent for the entire childhood—predicts a small but stable decrease in life satisfaction across adulthood that is partly explained by lower socio-economic status and educational achievement, inferior physical health, poor social integration, and lower likelihood of romantic relationship success in adulthood. Contrary to expectations this effect was not moderated by sex, age, or the societal system in which the childhood was spent. Thus, the differences in life satisfaction were similar for younger and older, male and female, as well as participants who spent their childhood in the western oriented FRG or in the socialistic GDR.

Future cross-cultural research comparing effects of family settings on adulthood life-outcomes in several studies from different cultures may identify macro-level protective factors that could be targeted to improve the prospects of single parents and their children.

Supporting information

S1 table. intercorrelations of study variables..

* p < .05. ** p < .01. *** p < .001.

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S2 Table. Estimated marginal means of adulthood life circumstances by childhood family settings controlling participants' sex, age, and childhood SES (z-standardized on full sample; M , SE in brackets) .

Values with different superscripts vary significantly ( p < 0.05; Bonferroni-corrected).

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0179639.s002

S1 File. SPSS-Syntax of the main analyses. Stata-syntax of the mediation analyses.

Those not using SPSS or stata may check the included output-file.

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0179639.s003

Author Contributions

• Conceptualization: SL DR.
• Data curation: DR.
• Formal analysis: DR.
• Methodology: SL DR.
• Validation: SL DR.
• Visualization: SL DR.
• Writing – original draft: SL DR.
• Writing – review & editing: SL DR.
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Seven Challenges of Being a Single Mom

And solutions from women who understand these challenges..

Posted July 15, 2015 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina

by Nicole Caccavo Kear

Single motherhood comes with a unique set of emotional challenges that can, at times, feel overwhelming and are best understood by women who share them. Countless other moms grapple with exactly the same issues – from self-doubt and anxiety over money to the stress of making decisions alone – and they've come up with some creative solutions that may work for you too.

Challenge 1: Having No One To Turn To "There is no out. Being on 24/7 means that there is no one to pass the baton to when you are having a bad parenting moment (or day)," says Amelia Shaw, an American mother of two young daughters living in Tijuana, Mexico, "and this can lead to parent tantrum-ing."

Single mom solutions: "I find that if I put my hands up, close and open them, then close my eyes and take a deep yoga breath in and out, I usually can reset my mood enough to get out of whatever situation I'm in." –Sidney Cavaricci, 28, mother of a 1-year old in New York City

"When you need a moment, put those kids to sleep. Better you put them to sleep than act out in anger toward them because you need a moment. Or just sit them in front of the TV and go in your room for a breather." –Tiffany Komba, 25, a mother of two sons (a 5-year-old and 1-year-old) in North Hollywood, California

Challenge 2: Self-Doubt "It's so hard to know if you're doing a good job," says Cavaricci. "When you're in a couple, you have someone who agrees (or disagrees) with your methods and can help you see the merit in your positive parenting moments and help you improve where you fall short. But as a single parent you have to do that alone, and it's not always easy."

Single mom solutions: "I surround myself with other mothers of young kids," recommends Cavaricci. "I see where they fall short and learn from that, and I'm inspired by the things they do well. At the end of the day, I remind myself that no one is perfect. I know I'm doing at least something right because my daughter is happy and thriving."

"Take a deep breath, cry if you have to, then get up and be the best mother that you know how to be." –Tiffany Komba

Challenge 3: Making Decisions Solo "I used to get extremely stressed and anxious over making all the decisions on my own," says Annie Tumlin, 35, mom to a 12-year-old daughter and two sons (8 and 6 years old) in Overland Park, Kansas. "Whether it's what type of lawn mower to buy or what school to send the kids to. I could ask my parents or friends [for advice], but I am the only one completely invested in my children."

Single mom solutions: “Over time, I've learned to trust that things are all going to work and to see the decision-making as an honor,” says Tumlin. "Sure, there are always questions, but overall, being forced to have this responsibility has made me a better person. I have found confidence and independence."

"This can be looked at as a positive thing. No negotiating with others when the decision is your own. If it's your weekend with the kids, you decide if you want to go camping or take a quick trip out of town." –Renachantel McClain, 38, mother of an 11-year-old son in Detroit, Michigan

Challenge 4: Missing the Kids When They're With the Other Parent " Loneliness is a constant challenge, and the hardest part has been getting used to being without the kids," says Elizabeth Nelson, 39, mom of 13- and 9-year-old girls in Brooklyn, New York. "The first time my kids went to their dad's for a whole weekend, it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room."

Single mom solutions: "My solution has been just to plan out those times, so I don't give myself a chance to get into a funk," says Nelson. "I make myself reach out to friends and schedule nights out singing karaoke or going to dinner or whatever – things I can't do when the kids are home."

"Spend that time rediscovering you! Go to an art museum you normally couldn't go to with the kids. See an R-rated movie in the afternoon on a Saturday, or put on your favorite tunes and dance around the house – whatever you want to feel free and liberated." –Renachantel McClain

Challenge 5: Stress and Anxiety About Money "When my son was younger, I would get overwhelmed," says Julie Principe, 38, mother of an 18-year-old son in Bristol, Rhode Island. "At night, I'd be washing dishes, and my eyes would be swelling with tears, but I didn't want my son to see because I didn't want him to have to worry about stuff like money."

Single mom solutions: "I tell myself that as long as we have food on the table, we're OK," says Principe. "And from the time my son was 2 years old, I made sure I got exercise four to six days a week – even if it was at home, in the morning, or after bedtime. Exercise makes me feel less stressed."

"If you write out a budget for the month, it helps you see where all your money is going and needs to go."–Tiffany Komba

Challenge 6: Accepting A Family That Differs From The One You'd Planned "I was raised in a single-parent household, and I didn't want that for my child," says Komba. "I constantly worried about how my child would deal with knowing his father wasn't around."

Single mom solutions: "Something that helped a ton was preparing myself mentally for the questions my child might one day ask," says Komba. "I thought about every possible question or scenario and prepared. I never wanted to be caught off guard. I didn't worry myself over these things, I simply prepared."

"There is no longer a cookie cutter definition of a family. Family is what you make it. It can include friends who are like family, partners. Embracing that idea is the first step to embracing the family you have." –Renachantel McClain

Challenge 7: Losing A Sense of Self "We are often expected to be superwoman when the other parent is not involved," says McClain. "After spending the day working full time, and then being on Mommy duty at home, it's easy to forget about taking care of yourself."

Single mom solutions "Take at least one hour out of the week to do something for yourself," recommends McClain. "Going for a walk or writing in a journal – something that allows you to reconnect with who you were before you became a mom."

"I put the baby to sleep and no matter how tired I am, I open myself a beer and paint, or I stretch canvases, or I sketch anything and everything. Sometimes it's worth leaving the housework for tomorrow." –Sidney Cavaricci

The Seleni Institute is a nonprofit organization working to destigmatize and transform mental health and wellness by addressing real-life issues that challenge the emotional health of women, men, and their families.

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As a single mom. I thought I had to be 'both parents' for my son. I finally realized we had everything we needed.

• I was a single mom, and I worried my son would feel we were different from other families. 
• I packed our schedule and tried to teach him things I thought a dad would teach him.
• Eventually, I realized I was a good enough parent, all on my own. 

As a single mom, I didn't want my son to feel different from the other kids who lived with both of their parents or had siblings. I probably worked too hard to overcompensate for it being just him and me, as I had heard that the single parent has to be both parents.

In order to make sure my son was getting what I thought he needed, I set the parenting bar way too high for myself. Now that he isn't little anymore and we've both grown up a lot, I can see that I could have done things differently.

I was the one who thought we were missing out

Looking back, I think my son picked up on my own feelings of there being something missing. I had never planned on being a single mom , and it took me a long time to accept my role. In fact, in many ways I was in denial of being a single parent.

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I thought things would be easier with a partner, and for a little while, I wanted more children . Many of my son's schoolmates had both a mom and dad in addition to siblings, and so I automatically thought my son saw this and wanted the same. So to cope, I viewed my state of single parenting as a temporary condition until I could grow our family.

I packed our schedule too much

I padded our schedule with events to shield us from loneliness , but in retrospect, my son didn't need that. He was always enrolled in an activity, and we always had something social on the agenda, like a family dinner or a lunch with friends.

Even outside of spending time with friends and family, I thought I always had to take him somewhere like the movies, the library, or out to eat. I didn't see it at the time, but I was surrounding us with other people because I thought I wasn't enough for him.

All he needed was his mom

I myself had been raised by a single father and felt that I had missed out on learning things about being a woman from a mother. I thought I needed to make sure I was teaching my son all of the manly things.

I taught him how to play every sport , talked to him about how to talk to girls he liked, and made sure we spent time around male family members. I never had to do any of that though, because he would have learned those things anyway. He still spent time with his father, and at home with me, he saw someone who was taking care of a house as well as taking care of him in every way he needed. I was already "both" parents without needing to try so hard; I just didn't see it.

We each grew to learn that we were enough

While it may have taken a pandemic to shut down our social affairs, eventually my son and I saw that not only were we enough, what we had together was really special. From being just the two of us for so long, we had already formed a strong bond and a beautiful life together at home. We were both elated to just be home with one another and enjoy each other's company. That's when I really learned that he and I had everything we needed all along.

The family my son and I had formed together made it easier for me to see that what I had once wished for didn't equate to a proper family. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and there's only one component needed: love. With just the two of us (and our pets), my son and I had all of the love and family that we each needed. I should have always celebrated that from the beginning, instead of worrying so much about what was missing.

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My Partner Isn’t Just “Out of Town”

How to understand single parents when you’re not one..

A couple of years ago at Christmastime, my now-5-year-old daughter started crying on the way home from school. “I only got to make ONE Christmas gift at school and I gave it to Daddy! Now I don’t have one for you!” My eyes teared up as well. I hated that my daughter felt different for being the child of divorce. She was the only child in her church-based preschool whose parents weren’t married. In the school directory we were the only set of parents with different last names. And, as I’ve become accustomed to, she was the only child who would need to make two gifts for her parents at Christmas.

I think of this situation often when I’m hanging out with a married mom and they describe their spouse’s temporary absence as leaving them a solo parent:

“Kevin worked so much when we were first married; I was basically a married single mom.”

“Well, Kristin’s out of town. I’m a married single mom this weekend!”

“Damien is so busy studying for his boards that I’m pretty much a married single mom!”

As a single mom who studies communication in families, these statements strike me as both oxymoronic and pretty insensitive. These moms don’t feel different because of their lack of a partner. Their kids don’t question why the families in the books they read don’t look like their family. These moms experience stress because the person they are used to having alongside them is temporarily out of commission.

I’ve been a single mom since my daughter was weeks old; single parenting is a lifestyle, not a situation to weather until my spouse comes home or passes the bar exam. Unless we marry someone who wants to co-parent (and the research shows that many do not ), single moms live each day knowing that we will parent for the next 24 hours on our own. And the next week on our own. And the next year.

And while single parenting is challenging in obvious ways—there’s no one to pass your kid off to when you’ve just had too much, you do all of the transportation and logistics yourself, there’s no divide-and-conquer at bedtime—legit single parenting differs in ways most temporary solo parents might not recognize.

As single moms, we are bombarded by (often inaccurate) messaging that our kids will have poorer outcomes than their friends with married parents. I’m a researcher who studies families, and when I take a quick dive into the family communication, psychology, or sociology literature, I see an endless list of disadvantages associated with having a single mom. Research shows that kids of single moms can have poorer academic outcomes. Some have trouble with romantic relationships, starting in adolescence. These outcomes can result from father absence: Kids whose fathers aren’t significantly involved might experience threats to their well-being as a young adult. Other negative outcomes are tied specifically to divorce. Some research shows that parental divorce among minor children has consequences for both parent–child relationships and health across the life course, a primary reason why divorce is considered an adverse childhood experience ( ACE ) when predicting lifelong health and opportunity. The messaging around these findings is especially pointed if single moms are Black. Media, especially conservative media, exploits this research and uses it to argue for the inferiority of Black parenting. Much of this inaccurate messaging has origins in late-20 th -century “welfare queen” imagery and carries forward into current media.

As a mom of a 5-year-old who seems well-adjusted, this constant messaging weighs on me. As a scientist, I know that these studies show association, not causation. But decades of internalizing negative messaging about single parenting still causes me to fear for my child’s health and well-being. As a result, I overcompensate so that she doesn’t become a statistic. I don’t hire babysitters and go out at night. I don’t date during my parenting time. She will enter kindergarten this year never having been enrolled in full-time daycare, a choice I might have weighed differently if I were still married to her father.

But while my fears aren’t completely unfounded, more recent research suggests that children of all racial and ethnic groups who have experienced divorce do just as well as children from intact families, achieving similar scores on measures of academic success and subjective well-being . In other words, kids who live with their divorced single mom do just as well in school and are just as happy as kids whose parents are married. Single parenthood does not appear to affect kids’ educational achievement , and a childhood with a supportive parent (mom or dad) who maintains a controlled environment at home can lead to happier kids.

This uncertainty is something “married single moms” don’t experience. They might have other fears about their children’s development, but those fears don’t revolve around their family composition. They might even be more likely to work hard at their marriage for fear that their kids will face similar challenges. But as married parents, they don’t have to confront the reality that their kids are perceived as already disadvantaged.

Single moms and our kids also encounter stigma and stereotyping in media. It’s rare to read a children’s book to my daughter that doesn’t include a family with both a mom and a dad (this is also frustrating for queer parents). When my daughter was a baby, I gravitated toward Anna Dewdney’s Llama Llama series because Llama Llama lives with only his mom. In the Llama Llama Valentine’s Day book, the UPS buffalo arrives with flowers for Mama Llama, at which point I (still) exclaim “WHO DO YOU THINK THE FLOWERS ARE FROM?! MAYBE MAMA’S BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND?!” (Or maybe the hot UPS buffalo?) Sure, I overdo it, but I always choose to capitalize on the rare occasion that there is a single mom in a book.

Much of the stigma and stereotyping in media comes from the (often substantiated) belief that single moms are more likely to be poor (and Black) than married moms. Research shows that perceptions of single parents are most strongly shaped by beliefs about economic resources. In short, single moms are seen as less-than because people perceive them as struggling financially. In fact, in one experiment , participants in a phone survey described single parents as less likely to be able to provide for their children’s basic needs than other types of “different” parents (adoptive or gay/lesbian couples). And other studies show that research participants blame single moms for their circumstances because their kids are perceived as being born out of wedlock or raised without a father figure.

This stigma perpetuates with media rated well beyond PG. I turned on Tyler Perry’s movie The Single Moms Club the other day, only to encounter yet another story about single moms who can’t handle their kids. Of the five moms, two are Black: one lives in the projects, has an older child in jail, and struggles to make ends meet. The other Black mom’s ex-husband has a drug problem and is an absent father. Of the two white women, one is a lawyer who is a single mother by choice, and the other white mother struggles to cope with the “rough” consequences of divorce: She can no longer employ the nanny. The remaining Latina mom is afraid to tell her ex-husband about her new boyfriend; her main conflict in the movie stereotypically revolves around her divorce-imposed sexual repression. The moms spend the movie trying to redeem themselves in the eyes of the school for their kids’ poor behavior, finally becoming closer to their kids in the process.

The problematic trope of the single mom with an unruly child seems even more trite when framed by the tired racial tropes Perry employs in the movie. These are not messages that moms whose partners are out of town for the weekend or enrolled in an evening MBA program internalize. Media doesn’t root their kids’ behavior problems in their romantic relationships. And when their kids do exhibit problematic behavior, they don’t fear that this behavior will be attributed to their “broken home.”

Finally, as a single mom, I don’t have the joy of experiencing my child’s growth alongside another adult. This is perhaps the starkest difference between my permanent single motherhood and my friends’ temporary lack of a co-parent. My daughter’s first step, her first words, the first time she wrote her name—these types of milestones are often witnessed only by me. Similarly, when it comes to concerns I have about her social, physical, or emotional development, there’s no one to share with. Sure, I have loads of friends and family, and I do share with them, probably a little too much. But this is not a substitute for the feedback loop provided by co-parenting.

Even when married moms are left alone to parent for a weekend or longer, another person exists who is inextricably linked to both the mom and her child. That person is not going to be annoyed or inconvenienced by a text or a call with a funny or concerning anecdote. Married moms became parents alongside their partner and there is someone else who has a similar experience of their kid in real time.

To be sure, there are degrees of single parenthood. I have it easier than many of my single-mom peers. I live close to my child’s father, and although he has much less parenting time than me, he’s consistently involved. Me having a good job provides my daughter an advantage, because research shows that for middle-class single moms, it is less important that my ex is involved in my daughter’s life and her schooling than it would be if we were poor. And as a white woman, my child’s behavior may be attributed to our family arrangement, but it will never be attributed to my race and our family arrangement.

And married-parent involvement varies. Moms married to first responders, long-haul truckers, or spouses struggling with addiction may not feel that they are in a partnership. Some spouses just aren’t attentive or helpful regardless of their occupation. And sadly, married women with children and a husband actually perform more housework than single moms.

The following Christmas, my daughter came home from her new, more diverse preschool with two gifts, one for me and one for her dad. As I effusively thanked her teachers for this very important act, they downplayed my gratitude. For them, our family composition did not make my daughter an outlier. Uncoincidentally, they are both single mothers. And they are both women of color. I will never know what it’s like to have my status as a single mom scrutinized alongside my race. But I realized then that while I can’t choose what the news or children’s books suggest about our family, I can choose schools and organizations that acknowledge the strength that comes from single parenting, and the blessing of our small but loving family.

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Single Mom Personal Essay Series - Yvette Shipman Birth Story

In 1996, I travel to Ghana, West Africa, alone and three months pregnant. Five months later, my child’s father joined me. This is where my birth story begins.  

On Ghana Independence Day, I feel my son move. Braxton Hicks contractions, I think. After all, his due date isn’t for weeks. My son’s father is several hours away in Accra, waiting for our storage container to arrive. I am in Elminia. So I carry on, checking off my lengthy to-do list. First to the market, which is generally a long and pleasurable event. Every vendor is your friend. 

As you move through the crowd, you are greeted with love and asked questions about the well-being of family members, both in Africa and abroad. 

The market immerses me in all of my senses. I hear the lively music, smell fresh and dried fish, shea butter, and herbs, and see the nursing mothers and curious children taking everything in. In contrast, here in the US, one quickly runs into the store, grabs groceries, runs out, and is onto the next thing, hoping and praying that we don’t see anyone we know because we rarely have time to talk. 

My Birth Story

As it happens, I don’t have as much time as I thought. Several hours later, I embrace a tree and look up at my partner’s face. I am not in a hospital but on the front porch. The stars scattered in the sky and the brightly lit moon keep me focused on my breath. Every sound is amplified and intensified. The waves crashing against the rocks. The cry of my ancestors from the slave dungeons of Cape Coast. The smell of the ocean. 

I am afraid. My son’s father kneels beside me, and our breath becomes one. Gently, quietly we rock back-and-forth, and he softly sings the song he wrote for our child in my ear. 

I am physically present but mentally far, far away. We wanted this, right? Will I die during childbirth? I push the fear away as I push out my son, knowing I desperately want to meet our child. I hear a faint cry. Someone calls my name, but I am unable to answer. I am fading. There’s talk about the placenta and what I must do. These are the people that assisted my birth—my son’s father, Mama Ruby, Mama Appiah, Mama Ama. I fight. I want to live. 

A Village But Little Understand 

I am surrounded by a village–literally. Women circle me, sing sweet lullabies to my b aby, cook daily meals for my family, and clean every corner of my home. Every single day. I constantly cry along with my son. His father doesn’t understand at all. He gives me herbs and advises me to “just pull it together.” The women tell me I have no reason to be “sad.” I lose my hair, my identity, and my drive. I am in physical pain, in the form of hives, as well as emotional, with no relief. No one really understands.

When I become even more ill, I return to the US. As in Africa, no one tells me I have postpartum depression. Not one doctor. Not one therapist. Despite postpartum depression being a real, treatable medical condition, I go along undiagnosed. 

Over time, I picked myself up, with the help of my spiritual practice, and my mother who also didn’t have the language for what was happening. I made vegan meals, juiced every day, and managed my pain with natural remedies. I even became a certified yoga instructor.

Now, I want to make sure moms like me aren’t suffering solo or navigating any single parenting obstacle alone. By far, single parenting is the most ambitious role I have ever assumed. This massive responsibility came as a total surprise. 

I learned who I really was. The universe or the God of our understanding gives us a mirror. An up-close and personal opportunity to see our true selves. My relationship with my son sped up that process. I chose to stay in the US. Ghana offered me a life with my son’s father that I knew I could not fully embrace. He embraced polygamy. He stayed overseas and now lives with his two lovely wives and four children. Today he and I, although friends, live very different lives. 

Single Motherhood

My life is that of a single mother in every sense of the word. I don’t and have never received child support. Attended every parent-teacher conference, swim competition, soccer, and lacrosse game without my son’s father. I remember crying while doing homework with my son when I realized his abilities exceeded mine. From my birth story through these years as a single mother, this experience continues to make a deep impression on my soul.

It sensitized me to the truth that anyone in this position carries a more significant than usual amount of responsibility.

Motherhood has taught me to pay attention to my intuition and make decisions in a nonassertive yet decisive way.  

I did not, nor could I know what would happen when I returned to the U.S. With each day, I became more trusting and willing to surrender to the experiences of love and loss. I’ve learned that love is always an option and that love never dies. As I continue to invite more relaxation and trust into my life, looking back, I know that there are no mistakes, coincidences aren’t real, and everything in my life is just fine.

By: Yvette Shipman

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I Was Raised By A Strong Single Mom, And This Is What I Learned

My mom was the kind of parent who literally kept everything.

Every footprint Christmas ornament, every handmade Mother’s Day card — everything . I didn’t realize this until I got married and inherited a ginormous chest full of those nostalgic little treasures. It weighed a ton, and was chock-full of memories from every phase of my life.

One such treasure I discovered was a picture drawn in 1990. I would’ve been six at the time. It was captioned “MK’s Future Family” at the top, followed by a drawing of a mother, 4 children, a dog, and two horses. Completely absent from the family setup? A dad.

Back then, the school counselors used to worry about my art work. They believed that, because I was a child of divorce , the lack of father figures in my art work was indicative of deeply-rooted relationship insecurity.

It’s kind of funny to me now, because the truth was quite the contrary . I didn’t draw a picture of a husband in my future for the same reason I didn’t add a whale or a cat. I just figured I wouldn’t need one .

I’m a mom now, and although I decided against whales and cats, I do have a husband who is very much the love of my life. But I also know that if I had to make our home without him, God forbid, I could. You see, I inherited far more from my strong, single mother than I could ever cram into that clunky ass trunk. And the life lessons she imparted in me are just as treasured.

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does matter.

They say the best things in life are free, but really, shelter and food are pretty awesome and those things cost money. Growing up in my household, things were pretty tight. Only money could have relieved the pressure my mother was shouldering at the time. There is no stress quite like financial insecurity. My strong, single mother taught me that while money doesn’t buy happiness, it does matter . And remembering that truth has compelled me to work my tail off and make certain I could provide for my kids independently if it ever became necessary.

Gender roles are a joke.

Believe me when I say, I am grateful for the man that is in my house. I get stumped by the occasional pickle jar, and he’s happy to step up and handle the more physically demanding tasks in our home. (Also, I love him. So there’s that.) But, my mother didn’t have the luxury of a live-in handy man. And yet, I still remember eating pickles. The grass got mowed, the oil in our minivan was changed, and more than once I remember seeing my mother with a hammer in one hand, a nail between her teeth, and determination painted on her face. My mother got shit done, and she managed to do it without a husband. She was a walking middle finger to societal gender roles, and her example is one I intend to follow.

Parenting requires sacrifice.

Parenting is hard as hell. My husband and I often feel we are near a breaking point, and that’s in a two-parent household. My mother managed that load by herself. The amount of self-sacrifice that it required for her to bring us up in a loving home, while simultaneously providing for our care still blows my mind. Single mothers are deserving of all the applause (and absolutely zero of the stigma) .

I can be enough.

I imagine my mother was pretty damn terrified when she realized the burden of raising three children fell squarely on her shoulders. But she rose to the occasion without hesitating. Watching my mother work full time, finish her degree, and put food on our table taught me that, if it ever became necessary, I could be enough for my children. It might be hard as hell, and I might sacrifice some years of my life, but I could do it. The truth is, our little family struggled a great deal, financially. But even in those hard times, we knew we had one another — and as we discovered, that was enough.

My mother taught me all of these things and more. Being raised by a strong mama made me who I am today, and I will forever be grateful.

This article was originally published on Feb. 18, 2018

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Mothering Experiences: How Single-Parenthood and Employment Shift the Valence

Department of Sociology & Minnesota Population Center, University of Minnesota Minneapolis, MN

Kelly Musick

Policy Analysis and Management & Cornell Population Center, Cornell University, Ithaca, NY

Sarah Flood

Minnesota Population Center, University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, MN

Rachel Dunifon

Research studies and popular accounts of parenting document the joys and strains of raising children. Much of the literature comparing parents to those who do not have children indicates a happiness advantage for those without children, though recent studies unpack this general advantage to reveal differences by the dimension of well-being considered and important features in parents’ lives and parenting experiences. We use unique data from the 2010, 2012, and 2013 American Time Use Survey to understand emotions in mothering experiences and how these vary by key demographic factors: employment and partnership status. Assessing mothers’ emotions in a broad set of parenting activities while controlling for a rich set of person- and activity-level factors, we find that mothering experiences are generally associated with high levels of emotional well-being, though single parenthood is associated with shifts in the emotional valence. Single mothers report less happiness and more sadness, stress and fatigue in parenting than partnered mothers. This is concentrated among those single mothers who are not employed. Employed single mothers are happier and less sad and stressed when parenting than single mothers who are not employed. Contrary to common assumptions about maternal employment, we find overall few negative associations between employment and mothers’ feelings in time with children, with the exception that employed mothers report more fatigue in parenting than those who are not employed.

Studies have shown that men and women with children in the home report lower psychological well-being than those without children ( Evenson and Simon 2005 ; Hansen 2012 ; McLanahan and Adams 1987 ; Stanca 2012 ). This is perhaps not surprising, as raising children can be financially and emotionally draining, particularly in the U.S. where there is relatively little public support for childrearing ( Glass, Simon, and Andersson 2013 ). Yet parenthood also comes with great joy (e.g., Senior 2014 ), and a newer crop of research has drawn attention to both potential costs and rewards of parenthood and how they vary by parents’ characteristics ( Aassve et al. 2012 ; Margolis and Myrskylä 2011; Nomaguchi and Milkie 2003 ; Woo and Raley 2005 ).

A rich set of qualitative studies describes the process of and challenges in parenting under particular conditions ( Edin and Kefalas 2005 ; Garey 1999 ; Nelson 2010 ; Villalobos 2014 ) or at specific stages ( Fox 2009 ; Nelson 2010 ). Less research has looked at the joys and strains of parents’ daily experiences with children (Authors 2014; Connelly and Kimmel 2015 ), particularly among broad samples of the population ( Kahneman et al. 2004 ; Nelson et al. 2013; Offer 2014 ). We know little about how feelings in time with children are shaped by the context in which parenting takes place. This paper addresses gaps in the literature on parenting experiences, focusing specifically on the factors associated with mothers’ feelings in everyday parenting experiences.

We conceptualize parenting broadly to include any activity mothers report doing with their children. Studies examining parental time with children often focus solely on time in which parents directly engage in childcare activities with their children, capturing things such as play, teaching, and management (e.g. Kalil et al. 2012 ; Raley et al. 2012 ). However, these activities capture only a fraction of parenting time; Offer (2014 ) estimates only about one-quarter of all time with children is spent in direct interaction. We argue that parenting occurs in many forms and varied contexts including seemingly mundane tasks such as cleaning and shopping ( Folbre et al. 2005 ).

We focus on mothers’ feelings in parenting for several reasons. Mothers are much more often single parents than fathers, and there is greater variation in their employment hours, each of which is associated with greater demands at home ( Bianchi 2000 ). Mothers spend more time on childcare and housework than do fathers, even in dual-career households ( Bianchi et al. 2000 ; Raley et al. 2012 ). Whereas employed mothers perform fewer household and child-related tasks than do those who stay at home, this is not offset by increased time contributions at home from husbands ( Cawley and Liu 2012 ). Thus, there is evidence that mothers continue to perform the majority of household tasks related to children and family functioning, suggesting that it is their feelings in time with children that not only may matter most for child well-being, but also may be more sensitive to their employment or partnership status. Indeed, research shows that although parenting is generally associated with positive feelings, mothers report less happiness, more stress, and especially greater fatigue in time with children than fathers (Authors 2014).

A key aim of this study is to examine how employment and partnership status are associated with mothers’ feelings while spending time with their children. Variation along these critical dimensions may structure the valence of mothering in ways that are difficult to predict. The demands of single parenting may result in less joy and greater strain in time with children; on the other hand, single mothers’ time with children may also provide an unmatched source of intimacy, fulfillment, and security ( Edin and Kefalas 2005 ; Villalobos 2014 ). Maternal employment, which has never fit as easily with the parenting role as paternal employment, can generate tension, time strain, and feelings of inadequacy that may spill into interactions with children ( Blair-Loy 2003 ; Nomaguchi et al. 2005 ; Garey 1999 ). Alternatively, it may provide a source of identity, self-worth, and welcome relief from daily care, potentially generating greater appreciation and enjoyment in time with children ( Garey 1999 ; Parcel and Menaghan 1994 ; Yetis-Bayraktar et al. 2012; Latshaw and Hale forthcoming ).

In this paper, we draw on a new module in the American Time Use Survey that links time diaries to feelings in specific activities, allowing us to substantially contribute to understanding of everyday parenting experiences and how they vary by key demographic characteristics, namely partnership status and employment. We conceptualize mothering broadly as time in activities with children, and we rely on multidimensional indicators to tap the potential joys and strains of raising children.

Assessing mothers’ emotions in parenting

Much of what we know about mothers’ emotions in parenting is based on global assessments of well-being, such as: “All things considered, how satisfied are you with your life as a whole these days?” ( Stanca 2012 ). Divorced from time use, such assessments are more sensitive to long-term aspirations, relative position, and notions of what is socially desirable ( Kahneman and Krueger 2006 ; National Research Council 2012 ). They reflect different aspects of well-being than measures more closely tied to experiences and can have different correlates (e.g., Deaton 2012 ; Kahneman and Deaton 2010 ). Momentary well-being measures tied to activities tend to be more reliable than global assessments ( Kahneman and Krueger 2006 ; National Research Council 2012 ); they further mitigate threats to validity due to adaptation, or the tendency for people to eventually adjust their subjective well-being to changes in life circumstances (e.g., Lucas et al. 2003 ). Finally, when asked across activities, momentary assessments provide leverage in teasing out stable, individual characteristics (e.g., a generally positive disposition) from the contexts in which activities take place.

Studies have begun to use momentary assessments of emotions tied to specific activities, leveraging two common methods to measure emotions in activities. Kahneman and colleagues’ 2004 study pioneered the day reconstruction method (DRM), which combines a time diary with questions about feelings in specific activities throughout the day in a 24-hour recall survey. Others, like Offer (2014 ) in the 500 Family Study and Brown and colleagues (2008 ) in the Work-Life Tensions Study in Australia, use a beeper or personal data assistant (PDA) methodology through which respondents are randomly cued multiple times per day over the course of several days to report on what they are doing, with whom, and how they are feeling. The latter strategy has the advantage of “real time” assessments of momentary well-being, although it is burdensome for respondents; it results in relatively low response and retention rates and is subject to technical glitches or failure ( Soupourmas et al. 2005 ). Moreover, Kahneman and colleagues (2004 ) have shown that momentary assessments garnered through DRM are reliable when compared to those gathered by beeper or PDA methodology. To our knowledge, the beeper or PDA methodology has only been used to assess parenting on select samples of advantaged, dual-earner couples in the U.S. and Australia (e.g. Brown et al. 2008 ; Offer 2014 ).

An impressive set of qualitative studies has shed further light on mothering experiences over the past two decades. Such studies provide thick accounts of the lives of mothers and, to varying degrees, help us understand what parents worry about ( Garey 1999 ; Nelson 2010 ; Villalobos 2014 ), how they manage multiple roles ( Garey 1999 ; Fox 2009 ), and what parenting means to them ( Edin and Kefalas 2005 ; Nelson 2010 ; Villalobos 2014 ). However, in these interview-based studies parents are reflecting back on their parenting experiences, oftentimes without reference to a specific interaction or activity, and potentially considering their status as a parent via a global assessment rather than the “doing of parenting.” Certainly, there is much to be gained from in-depth qualitative studies in understanding how parenting is woven into the lives of women, but momentary assessments offer a unique opportunity to focus in on how parenting activities among a nationally representative sample are experienced differently across key dimensions that potentially shape mothers’ lives: partnership and employment status.

Single parenting

The prevalence of single-parent families rose substantially through the 1970s, 80s, and 90s, and remains high today—about 30 percent of children today live with just one parent ( Child Trends 2015 ). Numerous studies describe the detriments to children associated with living with one versus two parents (e.g., McLanahan et al. 2013 ; Waldfogel et al. 2010 ). While we know less about the causal processes involved, many studies also show that single parents are less well-off emotionally than married parents; for example, single parents have higher levels of depression ( Evenson and Simon 2005 ; Nomaguchi and Milkie 2003 ), less satisfaction in parenting ( Rogers and White 1998 ), and lower levels of happiness ( Margolis and Myrskylä 2011 ). Further, some evidence suggests parenting behaviors of single mothers differ from those of married mothers: single parents report less parental engagement compared to married parents (e.g. Carlson and Berger 2013 ). Looking across all of the time investments made by caregiving adults, children in single-mother families experience fewer total hours directly engaged with adult caregivers; however, this is due to the fact that nonresident fathers spend very little time with their children. Single mothers actually spend more solo time with their children than do married or partnered mothers ( Kalil, Ryan and Chor 2014a ).

Linkages between single parenthood, parenting behaviors, and parents’ emotional well-being may be attributable to several factors. Research shows that transitions into and out of relationships are associated with increased parenting stress and changes in parenting behaviors ( Cooper et al. 2009 ; Beck et al. 2010 ), and single mothers experience more relationship instability than partnered mothers ( McLanahan and Beck 2010 ). In addition, single mothers receive less social support and experience greater strain than married mothers ( Edin and Kefalas 2005 ; Amato 1993 ). The greater care burden among single mothers may also leave less room for the more enjoyable and rewarding aspects of parenting. Finally, it is possible that selection factors are at play in many of these associations; the same factors associated with selection into single parenthood may also be linked to increased stress, lower satisfaction, and reduced well-being in time with children ( Amato 2000 ).

As a counterpoint to the potential strains of single motherhood, rich ethnographic accounts of the economically disadvantaged describe the central role of children in providing single parents with a sense of purpose, meaning, and satisfaction ( Edin and Kefalas 2005 ; Edin and Nelson 2013 , Villalobos 2014 ). By these accounts, motherhood offers an unmatched source of love, intimacy, and emotional security as well as a key domain of competence. “Meaning making” around childrearing may be particularly salient among women with strong childbearing desires who select into parenthood but not marriage, or among those for whom alternative sources of purpose and meaning are limited. Although some evidence suggests that single mothers may experience reduced emotional well-being while parenting compared to their partnered counterparts, meaning may be one dimension on which single parents fare at least as well in their time with children. To our knowledge no work has compared the emotional experiences of single and partnered mothers in time with children; our focus on well-being across multiple dimensions offers the opportunity to assess the varied ways in which partnership status may be associated with feelings in time with children.

Employment Status

Rising educational attainment for women, changing gender role attitudes, the rise of single-parenthood, and contemporary economic uncertainty have together given rise to high rates of maternal employment. Labor force participation rates for mothers with children under age 18 increased nearly 60% from 1965 to 2000 (from 45 to 78%), with average hours of market work more than tripling in this same period ( Bianchi 2011 ). Recent maternal labor force participation rates remain above 70% despite a sluggish economy ( Department of Labor, 2013 ). Indeed, 40% of all households with children include mothers who are either the only or primary breadwinners ( Pew Research Center 2013a ). It is in this context that a wide range of studies has sought to examine the implications of maternal employment for child well-being. Bianchi (2000 ) sums up this vast literature thusly, “…given the effort that has been devoted to searching for negative effects of maternal employment on children’s academic achievement and emotional adjustment, coupled with the scarcity of findings (either positive or negative), it would appear that the dramatic movement into the labor force by women of childbearing age in the United States has been accomplished with relatively little consequence for children” (p. 401).

Compared to a number of studies examining links between maternal work and child well-being, few studies have taken mothers’ own emotional well-being as the object of study. Those that do focus on global or overall affect, not affect in parenting. Aassve and colleagues (2012 ) find reduced happiness among employed mothers across Europe, and Bertrand (2013 ) reports lower mean affect among employed college-educated mothers relative to their non-employed counterparts. A few studies provide insights into parents’ feelings about balancing work and parenting, pointing to a “never enough” feeling and guilt for not spending enough time with children ( Daly 2001 ), even controlling for how much time they actually spend with them ( Milkie et al. 2004 ). Looking at descriptive evidence, results from recent Pew Research Center surveys indicate that 56% of employed mothers report that it is “very” or “somewhat” difficult to balance work and family. Additionally, 37% of mothers report “always” feeling rushed; this was more common among employed mothers than those who did not work outside the home. Employed mothers were more likely than the non-employed to say that they are doing an “excellent” or “very good” job at parenting (78% vs. 66%), but were less likely to say they are “very happy” (31% vs. 45%; Pew Research Center 2013b ).

Although attention typically focuses on the potential challenges associated with maternal employment, we also know that work can be satisfying and rewarding and can provide financial and emotional security in uncertain economic times ( Cooper 2014 , Villalobos 2014 ). Indeed, with nearly 70% of mothers in the labor force and 40% of mothers serving as the primary or only family earner, mothers’ employment is critical to family well-being ( Bianchi 2011 ). Garey’s qualitative study (1999 ) of how women weave work and motherhood finds many mothers report positive experiences—work provides fulfillment, an escape, connections outside of the family, and a chance to be a role model to children. The positive emotional benefits of the work itself and the family security it affords may spillover into parenting, making for more positive parenting experiences as well. We know very little about how employed and non-employed mothers differ in their everyday experiences with children: does pressure from work detract from time with children, or do activities outside the home make time with children more valuable? Intersections: Single Mothering by Employment Status

In addition to the main effects of both partnership status and employment noted above, these key demographic factors may interact when predicting mothers’ feelings while parenting. The potential conflicts between work and care may be more pronounced among single mothers, suggesting lower affect in time with children. Contrary to this notion, however, a set of recent studies documents positive associations between employment and well-being among disadvantaged mothers and their children. For example, Augustine (2014 ) finds that part-time and high status work is associated with better quality parenting for mothers with low levels of education, including (disproportionately) single mothers. Similarly, a series of studies examining the transition from welfare to work in the 1990s suggest neutral or slightly positive effects of single mothers’ employment on children ( Chase-Lansdale et al. 2003 ; Gennetian and Miller 2002 ; Huston et al. 2001 ; Duncan et al. 2007 ; Johnson et al. 2012 ). Likewise, Harkness (2014 ) shows how single mothers’ mental health improved significantly more than that of partnered mothers when they entered paid work after the 1990s welfare reforms in the United Kingdom.

While employment is associated with positive outcomes for single-mother families, the corollary is also true: non-employment in single mother families is associated with particularly negative outcomes. Blank (2007 ) describes the plight of “hard to employ” single mothers and their children. Such mothers suffer from multiple disadvantages that make it difficult for them to find work and simultaneously negatively impact the financial and emotional well-being of them and their children. These disadvantages include low education, learning disabilities, health problems, and a history of domestic violence or substance use. Augustine (2014 ) finds that non-employed mothers with low levels of education reported the lowest levels of parenting quality, highlighting how lack of access to work may compound their disadvantage. Together, these streams of research suggest that the advantages of maternal work among single mothers should be associated with better affective experiences in time with children.

Potential Confounders

A number of person-level and activity-specific features may confound associations between mothers’ partnership and employment status and their feelings in time with children. At the person level, sleep and leisure are restorative ( Smith-Coggins et al. 1994 ; Munakata et al. 2000) and may benefit mothers’ experiences in parenting. Access to sleep and leisure vary by mothers’ partnership and employment status. Single mothers get more minutes of sleep than partnered mothers on average, though they are more likely to go to bed after midnight and to experience sleep interruptions for caregiving ( Burgard and Ailshire 2013 ). A robust literature links maternal employment to mothers’ reduced sleep ( Bianchi 2000 ; Kalil et al. 2014b ). Both single and employed mothers face leisure constraints ( Bianchi 2000 ; Jackson and Henderson 1995 ); compared to those who were not employed, employed women also experience more fragmented free time and less “pure” leisure with no children present ( Mattingly and Bianchi 2003 ).

At the activity level, solo care or parenting alone may be a key consideration. Such parenting can be more stressful and difficult than parenting with another adult ( Folbre et al. 2005 ; Blair-Loy 2003 ). Kalil and colleagues (2014a ) show that single mothers engage in a substantially higher proportion of solo care than partnered mothers. Non-employed mothers spend more time with their children overall relative to employed mothers, and they likely engage in more solo parenting as well.

Employed and partnered mothers differ on many other dimensions from those who are not in the labor force and those who are single. Non-employed and single mothers are less educated and have lower household income, and are more likely to be non-white, than employed and married mothers ( U.S. Census Bureau, 2013 ). Our analyses account for these and other person-level characteristics that are associated with well-being, including mothers’ education, age, race and ethnicity, family income, whether there is another earner in the household, the number of household children, and the age of youngest child. Activity-level controls include the type of activity reported, and its location, duration, and time of day, as well as the total time spent with children in the diary day prior to the indexed activity.

Prior literature suggests that parenting may be a mixed bag of joys and strains, yet we know little about how parents feel in their everyday experiences with children. Contemporary trends have resulted in substantial increases in single parenthood and employment for women – two demographic dimensions that hold potential importance for shaping the context and experience of parenting. Our study examines how both partnership and employment status (independently and interactively) are associated with shifts in the valence of mothers’ experiences with children in a broad range of everyday parenting activities.

Data, Measures, and Methods

We pool data from the 2010, 2012, and 2013 American Time Use Surveys ( Hofferth et al. 2013 ). ATUS sample members are drawn from Current Population Survey (CPS) respondents. One individual aged 15 or older per former CPS participating household is invited to participate in the ATUS during the two to five months following their exit from the CPS. 1 The ATUS is a time diary study of a nationally representative sample of Americans. ATUS respondents report on their activities over a 24-hour period from 4:00 a.m. of a specified day until 4:00 a.m. of the following day, indicating the type of activity, as well as where, when, and with whom it occurred. 2 Responses are recorded using Computer Assisted Telephone Interview procedures. Activities are coded using a six-digit, three-tier coding system, and over 400 activity categories are represented by the classification. Data are collected every day of the week, including holidays, with weekends oversampled. 50% of diaries are about weekend days (25% each), and 50% are about weekdays (10% each day).

Critical to our analysis, the 2010, 2012 and 2013 rounds of the ATUS included a Subjective Well-Being Module of questions tapping respondents’ emotions in activities. All ATUS respondents were eligible for participation in the module, and there was minimal nonresponse ( ATUS 2014 ). Participants reported how they felt in three randomly selected activities of at least five minutes in duration. 34,565 men and women ages 15 and older completed the module over the three ATUS cycles, for a total of 102,633 activities. Sleeping, grooming, and personal activities as well as activities where the respondent didn’t know or refused to report what they were doing were not eligible for selection.

All descriptive statistics are weighted to account for the oversample of weekends and other aspects of the ATUS sample design. Activity weights for the well-being module further account for differences in the fraction of time in eligible activities and the probability of having an eligible activity selected ( ATUS 2014 , pp. 5–6).

Modeling Approach

We limit our sample to the parenting activities of mothers ages 21–55 with children under 18 in the household. As noted at the outset, our treatment of parenting is inclusive of any activity mothers report doing with children, as indicated by their response to the “who with” question that follows each diary entry. In all, the subjective well-being sample of the ATUS includes 19,264 women; 7,074 are ages 21–55 and have a child under 18 in the household. We excluded 1,371 cases (19% overall; or 13% among non-employed and 22% among employed mothers; 25% among single and 17% among partnered mothers) for whom there were no activities with children among the three randomly selected for inclusion in the well-being module. Note that although a fifth of mothers had no activity with children in the well-being module, less than 4% overall (2% among non-employed and 5% among employed mothers; 7.5% among single and 2.5% among partnered mothers) reported no activities with children throughout the diary day. Finally, we drop cases that are missing one or more well-being reports. This leaves us with 5,683 women reporting 11,512 activities with children. Thirty-one percent of our sample is with children during one of the well-being module activities, 36% is with children during two activities, and 33% is with children during all three selected activities.

We use methods that account for the multilevel nature of our data, in which activities at level one are nested within individuals at level two ( Allison 2009 ). Our outcomes—multiple dimensions of affect—are scored 0–6 and treated as quantitative variables. We rely on random effect models (also called multilevel or mixed models in the literature, estimated using xtreg, robust re in Stata for quantitative response variables). The basic model can be written:

for activity i and individual j where υ 0j is a person-specific random error term representing unobserved characteristics of individual j and assumed independent of X ’s (activity-level covariates) and Z ’s (person-level covariates).

Random effect models yield a weighted average of within- and between-level estimates, with the advantage of providing estimates for characteristics that are invariant across activities. Thus, we can assess the association between emotions in various activities with children, accounting for characteristics of individuals that structure the day to day like employment and partnership status as well as the micro-level context of parenting activities like whether they were parenting solo or with another adult.

For each of our five outcomes, we estimate three models: first we include only the indicators for partnership status, employment, and the interaction between the two to get baseline estimates of the linkages between these characteristics and feelings while parenting. Next, we add a series of exogenous controls. Finally, we add a set of endogenous measures that may themselves be influenced by partnership status or employment and therefore may mediate linkages between these characteristics and feelings while parenting.

Feelings in Parenting

For any activity in which a mother reports being with children, we assess feelings in parenting on the basis of five questions, asked for each of up to three sampled activities with children: 1) How happy did you feel during this time? 2) How meaningful did you consider what you were doing? 3) How sad did you feel during this time? 4) How stressed did you feel during this time? 5) How tired did you feel during this time? For each of these questions, response options ranged from 0 (e.g., not at all happy, not at all meaningful) to 6 (e.g., very happy, very meaningful). Given the skew in some feelings in parenting, we also tested a dichotomous treatment using xtlogit where each emotion (happiness, meaning, sadness, stress and fatigue) was coded as present (=1) at the point where 60% or greater of respondents reported it for a sampled activity. All of our main findings were robust to this alternate approach (results available upon request).

This set of questions captures critical dimensions of affect. Russell’s (1980 ) model of core affect suggests four types of core emotions: positive low arousal (e.g. contentment), positive high arousal (e.g. happiness), negative low arousal (e.g. sadness), and negative high arousal (e.g. stress). Three of these types are captured by happiness, sadness and stress. Although the ATUS does not include an indicator for positive, low arousal emotions, psychometric research indicates that positive emotions highly correlate with each other, minimizing the need for multiple indicators ( Kapteyn et al. 2013 ). Negative emotions are often not highly correlated, and thus an additional indicator is included for fatigue (negative, low arousal). Finally, meaning taps a purpose-related dimension, which Stone and Mackie (2013 ) argue is important because it often crosses the positive-negative dimension. For example, one can find pleasure but little meaning in watching TV or meaning but little pleasure in reading the same book repeatedly to a child. Compared to single-item assessments that characterize much of the existing literature on parenting and emotional well-being, happiness, meaning, sadness, stress, and fatigue offer a broad and multi-dimensional view of emotions in parenting.

Mothers’ Employment and Partnership Status

To assess mothers’ employment status we include an indicator for whether the respondent is employed. Before arriving at this simple indicator, we tested a finer-grained employment measure differentiating no market work, part-time work (<35 weekly hours), full-time work (35–49 weekly hours), and more than full-time work or long work hours (50+ weekly hours). These tests indicated differences in mothers’ emotions in parenting between those who are employed and those who are not, but no statistically significant differences among categories of employment intensity. Therefore, we proceed with the simple indicator for employed.

To assess mothers’ partnership status we include an indicator for whether the respondent is single (not married or cohabiting). Like our initial treatment of employment status, we started with a more complex measure differentiating families with: two parents with only joint children, two parents in complex families, a single mother as the only adult, a single mother and a grandparent, and a single mother with another non-partner adult. These initial analyses indicated differences in mothers’ emotions in parenting between those in two parent and single mother families, but no statistically significant differences among the single-mother family types. Therefore, we retain the simple indicator for single-versus partnered mothers. To assess variation in the valence of single mothers’ emotions in parenting by their employment status, we interact “single parent” with “employed.”

We control for a rich set of person- and activity-level variables in our models; descriptive statistics for these measures are shown in Appendix Table 1 . We add controls in two steps, starting with basic socio-demographic characteristics of mothers and features of their diary days and activities. At the person level, these include age in years, race/ethnicity (non-Hispanic White, non-Hispanic Black, Hispanic, other), whether the respondent has a college degree, whether she is currently enrolled in school, number of children (one, two, three or more), age of youngest child (under six, 6–12, and 13–18), season of the diary report (winter, spring, summer, fall), and whether the diary was reported on a weekend day. At the activity-level, these include whether the activity took place at home or elsewhere, activity duration in minutes, and the time of day (4 to 9am, 9am to 2pm, 2 to 5pm, 5 to 9pm, and 9pm to 4am).

Our second set of controls is potentially more endogenous to the processes linking employment and partnership status to feelings in mothering. At the person level, this set includes family income (<$25,000, $25,000–74,999, > = $75,000, missing) and whether there is another earner in the household. It also includes two indicators of sleep and three indicators of leisure: Total hours of sleep is a continuous variable that registers the number of hours mothers report sleeping on the diary day. Disrupted sleep is a dichotomous indicator for three or more sleep episodes. Total hours of leisure is measured analogous to total hours of sleep, above. Episodes of leisure is a count variable indicating how many distinct leisure activities are reported on the diary day. Finally, total hours of leisure with children only indicates how many hours of a mother’s leisure is potentially “contaminated” by child-related responsibilities with no other adult present (e.g., Mattingly and Bianchi 2003 ). At the activity-level, we control for solo parenting (using the “who with” questions to assess whether the respondent engaged in the parenting activity without another adult present) and the hours mothers reported with children (in any activity) prior to the indexed activity. We also control for a total of 14 activity types (following activity coding in Aguiar and Hurst 2007 ; Kahneman et al. 2004 ; Kalil et al. 2012 ): market-work , carework (exclusive of childcare), cooking , cleaning , shopping , other non-market work , television watching , socializing , education/religious events, eating , basic childcare, playing with children, teaching children, and managing children’s activities and schedules.

In what follows, we describe results in Tables 1 and ​ and2 2 and Figure 1 . These results highlight patterns of mothers’ activities with children, their feelings in these activities, and how patterns in mothering experiences vary by partnership status, employment, and the intersection between these two key demographic features of mothers’ lives.

Superscripts denote significant differences at p<0.05 from:

A = Non-employed, single; B = Employed, single; C = Non-employed, partnered; D = Employed, partnered

Note: Predicted values generated from full models (M3, Table 2 ); categorical controls set to their model category and continuous variables to their weighted mean values

Means and Standard Deviations of Mothers’ Feelings in Activities with Children by Employment and Partnership Status

Note: 2010, 2012, 2013 ATUS Subjective Well-Being sample, mothers ages 21–55 with children under age 18 in the household. N’s are unweighted; means/percentages are weighted

Generalized Linear Models with Random Effects of Mothers’ Feelings in Activities with Children a b

N Observations (activities) = 11,512; N Observations (women) = 5,683

Table 1 shows significant bivariate differences in feelings in mothering by employment and partnership status. Employed mothers are less sad but more fatigued in time with children than non-employed mothers. Single mothers are less happy and more sad, stressed and fatigued than partnered mothers. In our sample of mothers in activities with children, 63% of mothers are employed and 77% are partnered.

Table 2 shows Generalized Linear Models (GLM) with random effects predicting each of the five emotions in activities with children. We present coefficients on our key measures of interest—employed, single parent, and single parent by employed—across three models. Model 1 includes mother’s employment status, partnership status, and the interaction between employed and single parent status. The omitted category in this and all models is non-working partnered mothers. Model 2 adds controls for basic socio-demographic characteristics of mothers and features of their diary days and activities. Model 3 augments Model 2 to include controls for factors that are potentially endogenous to employment, partnership status, and feelings in parenting activities. Appendix Table 2 shows full results for our final model.

Across the three models for each of the five emotions in parenting, coefficients on our key measures of interest change very little. This suggests our basic findings are robust to a rich set of socio-demographic controls and factors we hypothesized would account for associations between employment, single motherhood, and feelings in activities with children. We observe small changes in coefficient magnitude in a few cases, but in only one case do we see that significant associations in Model 1 are no longer statistically significant with the inclusion of controls: the relatively small, negative association between being employed (which represents employed, partnered mothers in the model) and lowered happiness in activities with children is reduced and no longer significant with the inclusion of socio-demographic controls in Model 2. In models of fatigue, the coefficient for employed (again representing employed, partnered mothers in the model) is reduced nearly 40% between Models 1 and 3 with the inclusion of endogenous controls like sleep and leisure, but remains significant. In a few other cases, significant patterns emerge after the inclusion of controls; the relatively large coefficients for non-employed (representing non-employed, single mothers) predicting happiness (negative) and stress (positive) increase about 20% each between Models 1 and 2, when we include socio-demographic measures. Despite these few subtle changes in coefficient magnitude across models, the larger story is the overall robustness of initial associations to this rich and varied set of person- and activity-level controls. Of nine initially significant associations between our key measures of interest and emotions in activities with children, only one is fully mediated by any of our control measures, and in that case, the association was relatively small to begin with.

In our full model (Model 3), the estimated main effect of employment is statistically significant only for fatigue, whereas the estimated main effect of single parenthood is statistically significant for all outcomes but meaning. The interaction between these two dimensions indicates important variation; it is statistically significant for all outcomes but meaning and fatigue. We show predicted values to facilitate comparisons across employment-partnership combinations. Figure 1 plots predicted levels of each emotion in time with children, setting all categorical controls to their modal categories and holding all continuous variables at their weighted mean values.

Panel A shows that while all groups report high levels of happiness in time with children (unadjusted mean=4.77, SD=1.43, from Appendix Table 1 ), non-employed single mothers report the lowest levels of happiness in parenting, significantly lower than employed single mothers and partnered mothers regardless of employment status. The happiness disadvantage for non-employed, single mothers is approximately one-quarter of a standard deviation compared to partnered mothers of either employment status (e.g., [4.587 – 4.242]/1.43 = 0.241) and 13 percent of a standard deviation compared to employed, single mothers ([4.425 – 4.242]/1.43 = 0.128). While employed single mothers are better off than non-employed single mothers in terms of happiness in parenting, they register a significant happiness disadvantage equivalent to about 10 percent of a standard deviation in parenting activities relative to partnered mothers of either employment status (e.g., [4.587 – 4.425]/1.43 = 0.113). Interestingly, partnered mothers’ happiness in activities with children does not differ based on employment status.

Panel B reveals high levels of meaning in time with children and no significant differences by employment or partnership status. Panel C shows that overall, mothers report low levels of sadness in time with children (unadjusted mean=0.45, SD=1.19). However, non-employed single mothers report significantly higher levels of sadness in activities with children – about one-third of a standard deviation higher – compared to mothers in the other three groups (e.g., [0.738 – 0.370]/1.19 = 0.309). Employed single mothers and partnered mothers (employed or not employed) do not differ significantly from each other in their reports of sadness in activities with children.

Panel D shows predicted levels of stress in time with children. Again, across the four groups, levels of stress in time with children are relatively low (unadjusted mean=1.35, SD=1.74). Much like the findings for happiness, non-employed single mothers experience significantly higher levels of stress with children than any of the other mothers, from one-third of a standard deviation compared to employed partnered mothers ([1.637 – 1.085)/1.74 = 0.317) to one-fifth of a standard deviation compared to employed single mothers ([1.637 – 1.267]/1.74 = 0.213). Employed single mothers also register significantly more stress, about 10 percent of a standard deviation, than partnered mothers of either employment status (e.g. [1.267 – 1.085]/1.74 = 0.105). Partnered mothers who are employed do not differ from those who are not employed in their levels of stress when parenting.

Panel E shows predicted levels of fatigue in mothers’ time with children (unadjusted mean=2.59; SD=1.96). All groups report higher levels of fatigue in parenting than do non-employed partnered mothers, up to 14 percent of a standard deviation in fatigue (e.g., [3.377 – 3.104]/1.96 = 0.139). There are no other employment or partnership differences in fatigue, indicating that, while employment and single parenting are both associated with higher levels of fatigue in time with children, there is not an additional detriment for mothers who are both single and employed.

Supplemental Analysis and Findings

The relative disadvantage of non-employed single mothers across many emotions motivated supplemental analysis to examine the overall well-being of non-employed single mothers. We compared their emotions to those of other mothers in activities other than parenting. We found that non-employed single mothers are emotionally worse off than other mothers across most activities. We also compared non-employed single mothers’ emotions in parenting to their emotions in other activities. Results indicate that, while non-employed single mothers are particularly disadvantaged emotionally, they are better off in parenting than in other activities (results available upon request). These findings suggest that non-employed single mothers fare poorly overall in well-being, and that their lower assessments are not specific to time with children.

Conclusion and Discussion

In this study we examined mothers’ feelings while parenting and tested if and how the experiences of single motherhood and maternal employment shift the valence of these feelings. We found that employed mothers are more fatigued than non-employed mothers. Further, single mothers are less happy and more sad, stressed, and fatigued in parenting than partnered mothers, although these detriments are larger and more consistent among non-employed single mothers. In particular, non-employed single mothers fare significantly worse than employed single mothers and partnered mothers in happiness, sadness and stress in time with children, and experience feelings of fatigue on par with employed mothers. They do not differ, however, in feelings of meaning in time with children—the one emotional indicator that did not vary across sub-groups.

Surprisingly, our large, rich set of control measures did little to account for the initial associations between employment, partnership status, and emotions in mothering. Thus, single mothers, especially non-employed single mothers, experience significant emotional detriments in parenting compared to other mothers even after accounting for key socio-demographic differences and factors that we posited would be endogenous, such as sleep and leisure, solo parenting, and family income. Our supplemental analysis found that non-employed single mothers are generally worse off emotionally than other mothers; nonetheless, they fare better emotionally in parenting than in other activities. Thus, the well-being disadvantages observed by non-employed single mothers in our sample are not specific to their parenting role but rather likely reflect larger challenges faced by this sub-population ( Blank 2007 ). The economic and social disadvantages faced by this group combined with our new insights on their emotional detriments in parenting highlight the need to better understand this group of mothers.

Our generally positive findings with regard to employment and emotional well-being in time with children are inconsistent with familiar accounts of maternal work creating a time bind that results in a “never enough” feeling ( Daly 2001 ). Of the emotions we examined, prior literature suggested that stress in parenting could be particularly affected by combining the mother and worker roles ( Milkie et al. 2004 ; Garey 1999 ). However, we did not find higher levels of stress among employed mothers; in fact, we found low levels of stress in parenting overall across all mothers in our sample. Only in fatigue do we see a detriment to employed mothers compared to those who are not employed. When viewed from the perspective of what employment brings to mothers and mothering instead of what it takes, the relatively positive findings with regard to employed mothers’ feelings in parenting are not surprising. Maternal employment provides financial security, particularly crucial in single-mother families. The insecure economic context that characterizes our study period, 2010 to 2013, likely further heightens the salience of employment for emotional well-being. Maternal employment may also bring fulfillment and exposure to a social network outside of the family ( Garey 1999 ; Blair-Loy 2003 ), and these networks may serve as a source of ideas about parenting and social support ( Augustine, 2014 ), an advantage that could be especially important for single mothers who do not benefit from the support of a residential co-parent.

Our study considered multiple dimensions of emotions in parenting, extending past work that focused on one or a few indicators like happiness or satisfaction. In doing so we revealed variation in emotions as they relate to employment and partnership status. For example, we learn that employment shifts the valence of fatigue in parenting, whereas single parenthood shifts the valence of happiness and, to a lesser degree, stress. Interestingly, we find no significant variation in meaning in time with children across mothers’ employment and partnership status; all mothers reported high levels of meaning regardless of these factors. Given the measurement literature on affect ( Stone and Mackie 2013 ) and the substantive literature on parenting as a source of purpose ( Edin and Kefalas 2005 ), our finding that parenting is a meaningful activity overall, regardless of employment and partnership status, is a key contribution to the literature on parenting and emotional well-being.

Overall, then, this study advances the literature on single-parenthood, employment and parenting in several ways. Utilizing multiple dimensions of feelings in everyday parenting, measured in a way that captures a wide range of parenting activities, we find overall high levels of positive emotion and low levels of negative emotion in parenting. We identify unique emotional disadvantages in parenting for non-employed single mothers compared to other mothers, but also that non-employed single mothers are emotionally disadvantaged in activities beyond parenting, too. Further, we find very few negative associations between employment and mothers’ feeling in time with children. These findings add emotional well-being in parenting to the growing list of potential benefits of maternal employment to children, parents, and families. These positive associations are especially important to recognize and document in the context of increasing rates of female breadwinner families and persistently high levels of single-mother households.

Acknowledgments

We gratefully acknowledge support from the Minnesota Population Center (R24HD041023) the Data Extract Builder of the American Time Use Survey (University of Maryland, R01HD053654; University of Minnesota, Z195701), both funded through grants from the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute for Child Health and Human Development (NICHD); the Cornell Population Center, and Cornell’s Institute for Social Sciences.

Appendix Table 1

Means (SDs) and Percentages of Activity- and Person-Level Characteristics of Mothers Participating in Activities with Children

Appendix Table 2

Full Generalized Linear Models with Random Effects of Mothers’ Feelings in Activities with

Earlier versions of this paper were presented at the 2014 Annual Meeting of the Population Association of America and the 2014 Work & Family Researchers Network and the Work, Family & Time (WFT) Workshop at the Minnesota Population Center. We thank WFT workshop participants for useful comments and suggestions, as well as Liana Sayer and Julie Brines for feedback on earlier drafts.

1 Some studies have shown that respondents in the ATUS differ from non-respondents on reports of pro-social behaviors (e.g. Abraham et al. 2009 ). Those who volunteer, for example, are also more likely to respond to surveys like the ATUS leading to inflated national estimates of volunteering. Abraham et al. (2009 ) found that while non-response can have a significant effect on the univariate distribution of pro-social activities, it does not appear to affect inferences about the respondent characteristics that are associated with those activities.

2 Information on where and with whom the activities occurred is available for all activities except for personal care and sleeping.

Contributor Information

Ann Meier, Department of Sociology & Minnesota Population Center, University of Minnesota Minneapolis, MN.

Kelly Musick, Policy Analysis and Management & Cornell Population Center, Cornell University, Ithaca, NY.

Sarah Flood, Minnesota Population Center, University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, MN.

Rachel Dunifon, Policy Analysis and Management & Cornell Population Center, Cornell University, Ithaca, NY.

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Navigating College as a Single Mother

Table of contents, a multifaceted journey, resilience and grit, unique perspective and empathy, strength in diversity, a vision for the future, conclusion: a journey of triumph.

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To the moms all alone on Mother's Day, I see you and you are enough.

Most of my 14 years of motherhood felt like Mother’s Day was spent alone, including some of the years I was married.

Every May, when the second Sunday in May comes around, I think of the women who are where I was in multiple places of my mother journey: scared, alone and envious of the moms with a supportive partner at home.

This year, I've written a letter to every single mother struggling to celebrate herself today, who feels inferior to the other families she sees.

When the flowers don't come, when there are no "thank yous," when there is no one posting our picture, I want us to remember where our gift truly lies.

To our kids, this is the life and this love is enough. So, we can raise our glass.

Dear, single mom on Mother's Day

Maybe you woke up a little early today to give yourself the gift of solitude. There is no one to tag in at the end of the day. It’s exhausting.

You might get a few minutes before feelings of inadequacy come flooding in. You are reminded of all the things you can't do, never seeing all that you have. You wonder how a single-parent home is affecting your kids, who will be down in a matter of moments.

Then, the day will begin just like any other day.

Maybe there were once flowers waiting for you. Maybe there were never flowers at all. You may find crumpled up Mother's Day art in your kids' backpack today, but they may not recognize that there should be anything to celebrate.

You will prepare every meal, answer every request, create every moment, wipe every tear and calm every fear. But your requests will be left unmet, your moments 60 seconds at a time, your tears wiped by your own hand and your fears, ever ponding.

Yet every day you show up and you do it, maybe with a little envy for the two-parent home down the street, because it's hard to be a full-time parent and a full-time provider. You can't possibly do either perfectly well.

If you're feeling discouraged today, seeing only your lack, look inside.

You are the creator of all the good that you see.

Tonight, when you tuck in your kids, witness your gifts.

There may have not been anything on the table this morning, you may have cleaned up the house and cooked every meal, but there is peace in the room. There is joy on their faces. There is a tangible love providing security like the blanket wrapped around their feet.

Your family is not inferior.

You are enough. Your kids know it, and some day someone else will too.

But it has to start with you.

My son was feeling left behind: What kids with autistic siblings want you to know.

Your married friend may be struggling, too

Single mothers should know that married mothers aren't necessarily better supported. Sure, they may have flowers, but just like you, they have learned how to water themselves.

There were Mother's Days when all I felt was hollow. There were flowers, photos, dinners and lots of hugs, but it obscured a darker reality. Presence doesn't equal support. Lonely doesn't equal alone.

Knowing my "enoughness" led me back into singleness and back to the mother I've always been. So, cherish where you are and never trade your peace for support. Recognize yourself and celebrate this day.

Last year, I bought myself a bouquet of wildflowers, and this year, I bought myself a few.

My gift is this home I've created and the peace I feel at night. Sure, it may be a little messy, but it is far from inferior.

When I release my kids into the world, they will take this love that they've been given and begin planting it in places of their own, definitely better than if they had grown up in our broken two-parent home.

Yet I know that you, like me, may have a desire to share your life with someone. Just make sure that they are a seer too, a seer of your worth and your "enoughness," on more than just this special day.

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