problem solving matrix for couples

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships: The Blueprints for Success

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In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , Dr. John Gottman’s research proves that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable. These may be things like personality traits your partner has that rub you the wrong way, or long-standing issues around spending and saving money. Their research findings emphasize the idea that couples must learn to manage conflict rather than avoid or attempt to eliminate it.

Trying to solve unsolvable problems is counterproductive, and no couple will ever completely eliminate them. However, discussing them is constructive and provides a positive opportunity for understanding and growth. Let’s look at three “conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems.

Conflict Blueprint #1: Current Conflicts

This blueprint addresses current conflicts. Based on game theory, a mathematical model that describes how to manage conflict and improve cooperation with others, this blueprint stresses that both partners put off persuasion tactics until each one can state their position clearly and fully. This involves each speaker and listener taking turns.

Both partners must be emotionally calm when speaking. The listener should take notes on what the speaker says. The speaker should focus on using a softened start-up, stating feelings by using “I” statements, and asking for needs to be met in a positive and respectful way.

Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #1:

• Take a 15 to 20 minute break if things get too heated, and do something soothing and distracting that will help you calm down. When you return to talk, only one person should “have the floor” to talk while the other partner listens. No interruptions!
• Begin the conversation with a soft or curious tone. Use an “I” statement and express something you need. For example, “Could I ask you something? I felt embarrassed when you spoke down to me in front of our friends. Could you please be aware of that in the future?”
• Use repair attempts . Say key phrases to help your partner see that you are trying to understand and deescalate the conflict. For example, you can apologize, use humor appropriately, say “I hear you” or “I understand” and so on. Body language is important, too. Nod your head, make eye contact, and even offer a physical gesture of affection.

Conflict Blueprint #2: Attachment Injuries

This blueprint focuses on discussing past emotional injuries, often known as triggers, that occurred prior to or during the relationship. Also called “ attachment injuries ” by Dr. Sue Johnson, these can create resentment from past events that have gone unresolved. These frequently involve breaches of trust.

It is crucial to avoid being negative when discussing triggers. You both need to speak calmly and understand that both of your viewpoints are valid, even if you disagree. The goals are to gain comprehension of each other’s perspective and to acknowledge that regrettable incidents are inevitable in long-term relationships.

There are five primary components to a discussion about an emotional injury. These five steps are from the Gottmans’ Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident booklet . A couple should focus on describing how they feel, expressing their individual personal realities, exploring any underlying triggers, taking responsibility and apologizing, and forming productive plans for healing.

Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #2:

• Offer a genuine apology to your partner regardless of your agreement or disagreement with their perspective. Focus only on the fact that you hurt your partner and that you need to take responsibility.
• Verbalize what you can take responsibility for, as well as any other factors that played into you getting caught up in the fight. For example, “I was too harsh when I spoke to you” or “I was stressed all day and took it out on you.”
• Ask your partner what he or she needs from you to heal and move forward. Be sure to follow through on the request.

Conflict Blueprint #3: Gridlock and Dialogue

Couples are often either “gridlocked” or “in dialogue” on their perpetual problems, and research suggests that these problems concern personality differences or core fundamental needs. Being in dialogue, the preferred status, is when the couple has learned to accept their differences on that topic even though minor arguments arise occasionally. Overall, the couple has made peace on the issue and they agree to disagree.

Moving from gridlock to dialogue involves examining the meaning and dreams that form the basis for each partner’s steadfast perspective. Each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner’s dreams, which often amounts to fulfilling a core need regarding the issue at stake.

Those couples who successfully navigate a recurring problem in their relationship have learned to express acceptance of their partner’s personality, and they can talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of each other’s position on the issue.

Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #3

• Take turns speaking and listening. As the speaker, you should communicate clearly and honestly. Where does your perspective or position on the issue come from, and what does it symbolize for you? What kinds of lifelong dreams or core issues are at stake for you?
• As the listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker. No judging or arguing, and don’t give advice or try to solve the problem. Show genuine interest in what your partner is telling you, and allow them enough time and space to fully communicate their concerns. Ask questions so that you can both fully explore the issue and its related meaning.
• Find ways to create small compromises that can pave the way to larger plans. If your dreams differ, try to find areas where they overlap, or try to make plans to give each partner’s dreams a chance to grow and become reality.

All relationships have perpetual problems that crop up throughout your lives as a couple. Psychologist Dan Wile once said that “when choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” No one escapes this fact. Fortunately, we have real science that helps couples learn how to manage such conflicts and keep their love alive and well.

Click here for more detailed information on Dealing with Conflict and for tips and exercises designed to improve your relationship.

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Dr. Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT is in private practice in Boca Raton, Florida where she specializes in couples therapy. Dr. Marni is certified in Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) and Discernment Counseling. She also blogs on About.com, Huffington Post and Dr. Oz’s ShareCare. For more information, visit her website .

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Problem-solving for Couples [PDF]

It’s not always easy to work with your spouse or partner when problems arise. Sometimes it might even seem like struggling to work together is the problem. But if you both clearly identify your issues, brainstorm solutions, and commit to taking action together, you can learn to navigate challenges as a team. Use the worksheet below to help get things moving in the right direction.

Published on : October 1, 2018

Olson, D. H., & Olson, A. K. (1999). PREPARE/ENRICH Program: Version 2000. In R. Berger & M. T. Hannah (Eds.), Preventive Approaches in Couples Therapy (pp. 196-216). Philadelphia, PA: Brunner/Mazel, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.prepare-enrich.com/pe/pdf/research/PREPARE_Overview.pdf

D’Zurilla, T. J., & Nezu, A. M. (2010). Problem-solving therapy. In K. S. Dobson (Ed.) Handbook of cognitive-behavioral therapies, 3rd edition, (pp. 197-225). New York, NY: Guilford Press

White, M., & Epston, D. (2004). Externalizing the problem. In C. Malone, L. Forbat, M. Robb & J. Seden (Eds.) Relating experience: Stories from health and social care, 1, (pp. 88-94). New York, NY: Routledge.

Baucom, D. H., Epstein, N. B., Kirby, J. S., & LaTaillade, J. J. (2015) Cognitive-behavioral couple therapy. In A. S. Gurman, J. L. Lebow, & Snyder, D. K. (Eds.) Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy, 5th Edition, (pp. 23-60). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Grant, A. M., & O'Connor, S. A. (2010). The differential effects of solution-focused and problem-focused coaching questions: A pilot study with implications for practice. Industrial and commercial training, 42(2), 102-111.

Nezu, A. M., Nezu, C. M., & D'Zurilla, T. (2012). Problem-solving therapy: A treatment manual. Springer Publishing Company.

White, M. (2007). Maps of narrative practice. New York:NY, WW Norton & Company.

THE THREE DEFINING ELEMENTS OF COLLABORATIVE COUPLE THERAPY

Collaborative Couple Therapy consists of a theory (solving the moment), a technique (speaking for partners), and a sensibility (monitoring the therapist’s slippage from listening to judging). I came to this realization while writing my chapter for Case Studies in Couples Therapy edited by David Carson and Monterrat Casado-Kehoe and published in 2011. The following is an elaboration of what I wrote there about these three elements.

The Theory: Solving the Moment. When partners are in conflict, I try to solve the moment rather than solve the problem—which means that I enable them to talk intimately about the problem. Solving the moment is the Collaborative Couple Therapy way to solve the problem, since it creates the collaborative spirit that enables couples to arrive at whatever practical solutions might be possible. In many cases, the absence of this spirit is responsible for the problem in the first place.

Solving the moment frees the therapist from the pressure to fix things and makes possible therapy with couples whose problems seem unsolvable—what John Gottman calls perpetual problems. The goal is to create intimacy out of the manner in which the partners talk about their problems, whether solvable or unsolvable.

By “talking intimately,” I mean that the partners confide what is on their minds—what is alive for them at the moment, to use Marshall Rosenberg’s term. For instance, if Brad were to express what was alive for him at the moment, he’d say to his wife Lisa, “I’m embarrassed to tell you this, but I worry sometimes that I’m less important to you than you are to me.” He would be confiding his unease or ache of the moment, his leading-edge feeling.

When partners confide their leading-edge feeling, they are solving the moment for themselves as individuals . Their bodies relax and their spirits rise—unless, of course, they fear how the other might respond. It is important, accordingly, to solve the moment as a couple, which means shifting from fighting or avoiding to talking intimately, moving from an adversarial or withdrawal cycle to a collaborative one. In  a collaborative cycle, each partner admits, acknowledges, listens, comforts, reaches out, tunes into the other, builds upon what the other says, becomes conciliatory, gives the other the benefit of the doubt, looks at things from the other’s point of view, or makes a laughing-together-about-the-situation joke in response to the other doing the same.

If Brad were able to confide to Lisa, “I’m embarrassed to tell you this but I worry sometimes that you’re more important to me than I am to you,” she might say, “That’s amazing to me. You wouldn’t believe how often I’m scared you don’t need me at all or that you’d rather be with someone else.” Brad might say, “You really think that?” Each partner’s tuning into the other would create an urge in the other to respond in kind.

But a collaborative cycle can end suddenly. Brad and Lisa’s conversation would have ended before it began if she were to respond to his “I worry sometimes that you’re more important to me than I am to you” by saying “Well, get over it.” Or “It’s always about you, isn’t it.” Or “Just grow up and get a life, okay?” If Lisa were to respond this way, it might be because she experiences Brad’s statement as a childish plea for reassurance or feels uncomfortable when Brad makes such admissions. The therapeutic task then is to help her pin down and confide exactly what she is experiencing, that is, to give voice to her leading-edge feeling.

At any instant in couple therapy, I try to solve the moment for each partner by helping that person find his or her voice and for the couple by turning the immediate fight or withdrawal into an intimate conversation. A good way to accomplish both tasks is to “get meta,” as Mona Fishbane puts it—create a platform, a perch, a vantage point above the fray, an observing couple ego. Red Barber, the Brooklyn Dodger baseball announcer, talked about “sitting in the catbird seat” and Erik Grabow, a colleague, talks about a “helicopter reporting the traffic.”

From such a meta-level, partners can “empathically join around the problem,” to use Neil Jacobson and Andrew Christensen’s words; t alk collaboratively about how they’ve been fighting or withdrawn; look compassionately and dispassionately at themselves, each other, and the relationship; report their struggle rather than get lost in it; appreciate how the position of each makes sense; and admit and acknowledge rather than accuse and deny. They can recognize their own contribution to the problem rather than focus on that of their partners, serve as joint troubleshooters in dealing with whatever difficulties arise, and turn problematic moments into intimate ones. The shift to the meta-level can show up as a light joke (“Here we go again”) or a deep conversation.

Lisa: Listen, I feel really bad about snapping at you earlier—you know, when you told me how important I am to you. I guess it made me nervous to hear it.

Brad: It made me nervous to say it. I felt like such a wimp.

Lisa: You’re not a wimp. You were being sweet and I jumped down your throat.

Brad: It wasn’t so sweet to complain that I’m not important enough to you.

Lisa: Well, actually, that’s what made me nervous.

Lisa: I’ve never been able to tell people how I feel about them. I hate that I’m having the same problem with you.

This dialogue demonstrates all three parts of solving the moment: confiding what each partner needs to say, turning a fight or withdrawal into an intimate conversation, and creating a compassionate vantage point above the fray.

The Technique: Speaking for Partners.  A therapeutic technique well suited to accomplish these three tasks is Jacob Moreno’s psychodrama doubling, adapted for couples. When a partner makes an angry or avoidant comment, I show how it might sound if, instead, that person were to confide his or her leading-edge feeling, collaborate rather than attack or avoid, and speak from the platform. Since I’m speculating about what this person feels, I immediately ask where my guess is right and where it is wrong.

If Brad were to say to Lisa accusingly, “You’re angry with me,” I might say doubling for him, “Could you be saying to Lisa, ‘I’m worried you’re angry with me. Am I right or is it just my imagination?’” When I want to have a more dramatic effect on partners—which I do when they are caught in an intense fight—I move over and kneel next to the person I’m speaking for.

The Sensibility: Monitoring the Therapist’s Slippage from Listening to Judging. The major problem couple therapists face is loss of empathy toward one or both partners. It is difficult to remain neutral when one partner nags, stonewalls, bullies, or expresses contempt toward the other. At times I find myself privately siding with one of the partners. It’s too bad that I do. Collaborative Couple Therapy is possible only when the therapist is able to appreciate how each partner is struggling. When I am reacting to a partner, I don’t see that person as struggling, but rather as self-satisfied, self-righteous, and enjoying being in control.

Fortunately, my negative judging can serve as a countertransference clue, that is, as a means for detecting the particular partner’s contribution to the relationship problem of the moment, which is the poor job they are doing making their case. Instead of talking in a reasonable and effective way, they make accusations and denials. If they were better at making their case, I—and, more important, their partner—might empathize rather than judge. My job, accordingly, is to help them make their case—that is, to serve as spokesperson for the partner whom at the moment I find myself siding against, since that is the person who is doing the poorer job representing him or herself.

The collaborative nature of Collaborative Couple Therapy can be seen in all three elements. In my effort to s olve the moment, I help partners confide what they need to say in order to collaborate, show them what a collaborative exchange looks like, and create a platform from which they can talk collaboratively about how they’ve been fighting or withdrawing. When I speak for partners, I check back with them about the accuracy of my statement and alter my statement accordingly; we work together. The major purpose of monitoring my slippage from listening to judging is to become aware of those moments when I lose my ability to collaborate.

Each of the defining elements of collaborative Couple Therapy can be employed without the others. You can adopt the theory while using techniques from other approaches. You can adopt the technique and apply it to other theories. And you can adopt the sensibility with whatever theories and techniques you use. An integration of the three constitutes Collaborative Couple Therapy.

10 Comments

Loved the newsletter!!!! So clear, so useful. Just great.

Wow This article is Amazing in it’s clarity and succinctness and helpfulness!

I always read your newsletters and always learn something from them. Recently I found myself using “How much…and how much?” But having just read your latest newsletter, I have some questions:

What if Lisa really is more important to Brad than Brad is to Lisa? I would assume those kinds of imbalances are commonplace in relationships and sometime very substantial. For the therapist to speak for Lisa as if Brad misunderstood her feelings would invalidate Brad’s accurate perception and put Lisa in a very awkward position, as if her actual feelings of valuing Brad less were so bad as to be unthinkable.

You say, “When I am reacting to a partner, I don’t see that person as struggling, but rather as self-satisfied, self-righteous, and enjoying being in control.” I say the person may be struggling, but it is also possible that you perceived the person’s state of mind accurately in the first place. I think it can be upsetting for a therapist to acknowledge such a possibility because the client may, for the moment at least, seem unlikable and just about impossible to empathize with. Then what is the therapist to do? But to deny that people have such unattractive feelings, and far worse ones, may be to let down the person who has such feelings by refusing to recognize what they are really experiencing, and may invalidate the perceptions and struggle of the partner who has to live with such a person.

If you think anything I’ve just said makes sense, I hope you can help us find ways of dealing with clients who, rather than having trouble expressing their vulnerable leading edge feelings, actually are coming from a not nice place, even maybe a really ugly place (like seeking to exploit, deceive, intimidate, dominate, undermine…). You’ve done such a fantastic job helping us help clients who are coming from goodwill or who are just a few steps away from it, so I think maybe you could help us with the others–if you believe they exist.

Judith, I think you’ve pinned down two questionable parts to my piece:

(1) I described this wonderful intimate conversation in which Lisa responds to Brad’s concern that he’s not as important to her as she is to him by saying she can worry the opposite is true. It’s easy to get an intimate conversation out of that. But suppose Lisa agrees that he’s not as important to her as she is to him. Suppose, in fact, she sees him as needy. How do we get an intimate conversation out of that? I’m going to devote the next newsletter to answering that question.

(2) I talk about how I’m out of position to do Collaborative Couple Therapy when I see a partner as self-satisfied, self-righteous and enjoying being in control rather than appreciating how he or she is struggling. But suppose, as you say, the person is self-satisfied, self-righteous, and enjoying being in control and isn’t struggling over anything. I’m going to devote the following newsletter to puzzling over that question.

Thank you! I’m really looking forward to your next two newsletters.

Thank you for your blog; what a nice, succinct summary! I’m especially moved by your “sensibility”–monitoring the therapist’s slippage from listening to judging. This is challenging for me. When I find myself slipping into judgement with anyone in my life, I try to make it my default response to recall a few helpful things you’ve said, such as (paraphrased): “they probably don’t have a case, but if they did, what might it be…” or “make the shift from disapproval to empathy, and find ways to empathize with the less likeable partner…” and “our task is to become spokespersons for partners at precisely those moments in which, and for precisely those issues about which we fell most like reproaching them” When I’m able to do this, it helps a great deal. I also try to think in terms of the inner struggle that gives rise the provocative behaviors. Finally, I’ve benefitted a great deal from your emphasis on avoiding pejorative or pathologizing terms when describing–and in thinking about–provocative behaviors. I hope I’ve understood, and paraphrased these points correctly.

I’m looking forward to your next newsletter very much.

Best Wishes,

Yes, Dave, some of your paraphrases are better than my original statements.

This is an great article, there is so much here that can help me. I was floored as I read it almost implementing it into my own life and marriage and dialog’s. There is so much hinging on a good communication in a marriage and yet no one ever works on speaking with their loved one. I have seen this and now is something I am constantly working on. Thank you for your article it will be a great help to me and I’m sure many others.

sounds like psychodrama to me

Great article! Really liked the concept of redirecting the anger from a couple into confiding a problem in them. It help reframe the situation and can help each partner approach the situation in a more calm manner. Usually calm conversations can cause a massive amount of problems in couples.

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Dan Wile:  August 3, 1938 – March 18, 2020

A memorial service celebrating Dan Wile’s life was held in Berkeley, California on August 15, 2021. To view a video of the service, click the link immediately below.

Video of Memorial Service

You may leave a memory or condolence to the guestbook here: 

Dan’s Final Book – Now Available

Available at, amazon – paperback, amazon – kindle, solving the moment: a collaborative couple therapy manual.

The book helps therapists with specific interventions, offers the thinking behind them, and provides numerous engaging dialogues as examples.

“Read this book. Treasure this book. We will always honor Dan for his profound innovations. We believe that his insights will become fundamental for your own success as a couples therapist.”

— From the Foreword: John Gottman, PhD & Julie Gottman, PhD, The Gottman Institute

“In this posthumous book, Dan Wile comes alive with wisdom, humor and compassion, as the brilliant couple therapist he was. His focus is on “solving the moment” – helping adversarial partners connect, creating a “platform” from which they can see their yearnings and vulnerabilities with empathy. Dan’s stance is collaborative and humble. Rather than exerting clinical authority from a one-up position, he is literally by a client’s side, articulating fears or hopes lurking beneath the fight. His articulation of therapist self-doubts humanizes the therapeutic enterprise. The book is refreshingly honest, funny, and instructive – a great guide for seasoned and beginner therapists alike.”

–Mona Fishbane, Ph.D, Clinical Psychologist, author of Loving with the Brain  in Mind: Neurobiology and Couple Therapy

“Dan Wile’s final book distills a master clinician’s work of a lifetime. Unlike many texts on couple therapy, this book provides detailed suggestions for what precisely to say to help couples come together to collaborate – to “solve the moment” and reconnect. The book is free of jargon and even fun to read. As a fan and beneficiary of Dan’s writing and wisdom for many years, I guarantee that studying his clinical examples will improve your therapeutic skill. I heartily recommend this book to therapists of all levels of experience.”

— Arthur Nielsen, M.D, author of A Roadmap for Couple Therapy: Integrating  Systemic, Psychodynamic, and Behavioral Approaches

More Books by Dan

After the Honeymoon

After the Fight

Couples Therapy

 LEARN MORE

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Guide your clients and groups through the problem solving process with the help of the Problem Solving Packet . Each page covers one of five problem solving steps with a rationale, tips, and questions. The steps include defining the problem, generating solutions, choosing one solution, implementing the solution, and reviewing the process.

Be sure to talk to your clients about how the five problem solving steps can be useful in day-to-day life. Are there any steps that they usually skip? What questions or steps helped them work through their problem?

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10 Tips for Solving Relationship Conflicts

These research-backed tips can make your conflict discussions more constructive..

Posted April 17, 2017 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

• Conflicts can improve your relationship if handled correctly.
• Be direct, but don’t blame your partner for problems or be overly negative.
• Trying taking an outside, objective perspective on your relationship problems.

As anyone who has been in a romantic relationship knows, disagreements and fights are inevitable. When two people spend a lot of time together, with their lives intertwined, they are bound to disagree from time to time. These disagreements can be big or small, ranging from what to eat for dinner or failing to complete a chore to arguments about whether the couple should move for one partner’s career or deciding on children’s religious upbringing.

The mere fact that you fight with your partner isn't a sign there is real trouble in your relationship. In fact, when handled properly, fighting can improve your relationship. If you never fight and never talk about your problems, you will never solve them. By dealing with conflicts constructively, you can gain a better understanding of your partner and arrive at a solution that works for both of you. On the other hand, it is also possible for conflicts to escalate and create ill will without resolving anything. How can you improve the odds of a successful resolution to the conflicts in your relationship? Here are 10 research-backed tips:

1. Be direct.

Sometimes people don't just come out and plainly state what is bothering them, and instead choose more indirect ways of expressing their displeasure. 1 One partner may speak to the other in a way that is condescending and implies underlying hostility. Other times, partners may mope and pout without really addressing an issue. Partners may also simply avoid discussing a problem by quickly switching topics when the issue comes up or by being evasive. Such indirect ways of expressing anger are not constructive, because they don't give the person who is the target of the behaviors a clear idea of how to respond. 2 They know their partner is irritated, but the lack of directness leaves them without guidance about what they can do to solve the problem.

2. Talk about how you feel without blaming your partner.

Statements that directly assault your partner’s character can be especially damaging to a relationship. 3 If a man frustrated by his girlfriend's jealousy says "You’re totally irrational!" he is inviting her to become defensive, and this can shut down further conversation. A more constructive strategy is to use "I statements" and pair them with "behavior descriptions." 4 I statements focus on how you feel, without blaming your partner, and behavior descriptions focus on a specific behavior your partner is engaging in, rather than a character flaw. For example, this man might say, "I get irritated when you claim I'm flirting with someone during an innocent conversation." These tactics are direct, but don't impugn your partner's character.

However, it should be noted that these direct negative tactics can be constructive — in some situations. Research has shown that for couples with relatively minor problems, blaming and rejecting one's partner during a conflict discussion was associated with lower relationship satisfaction over time and tended to make problems worse. For couples with major problems , a different picture emerged: Blaming and rejecting behaviors resulted in less satisfaction immediately following the conflict discussion, but over the long term , the problems improved, and this led to increases in relationship satisfaction. 5

3. Never say never (or "always").

When you’re addressing a problem, you should avoid making generalizations about your partner. Statements like "You never help out around the house," or, "You're always staring at your cell phone" are likely to make your partner defensive. Rather than prompting a discussion about how your partner could be more helpful or attentive, this strategy is likely to lead your partner to start generating counterexamples of all the times they were, in fact, helpful or attentive. Again, you don’t want to put your partner on the defensive. 3

4. Pick your battles.

If you want to have a constructive discussion, you need to stick to one issue at a time. Unhappy couples are likely to drag multiple topics into one discussion, a habit renowned conflict researcher John Gottman calls "kitchen-sinking." 3 This refers to the old expression "everything but the kitchen sink," which implies that every possible thing has been included. When you want to solve personal problems, this is probably not the strategy you take with yourself. Imagine that you wanted to think about how to incorporate more physical exercise into your daily routine. You would probably not decide that this would also be a great time to think about how to save more money for retirement , organize your closet, and figure out how to deal with an awkward situation at work. You would try to solve these problems one at a time . This seems obvious, but in the heat of the moment, a fight about one topic can turn into a complaining session, with both partners trading gripes. The more complaints you raise, the less likely it is that any will actually get fully discussed and resolved.

5. Really listen to your partner.

It can be very frustrating to feel like your partner is not paying attention to you. When you interrupt your partner or assume that you know what they're thinking, you're not giving them a chance to express themselves. Even if you are confident that you know where your partner is coming from or know what they're going to say, you could still be wrong, and your partner will still feel like you’re not listening. 6

You can show your partner that you're paying attention by using active listening techniques. 7 When your partner speaks, paraphrase what they say — that is, rephrase it in your own words. This can prevent misunderstandings before they start. You can also perception-check, by making sure that you're interpreting your partner's reactions correctly. For example, "You seem irritated by that comment — am I right?" These strategies both prevent misunderstandings and show your partner that you're paying attention to them and care about what they're saying.

6. Don't automatically object to your partner’s complaints.

When you're criticized, it's hard not to get defensive. But defensiveness doesn't solve problems. Imagine a couple arguing because the wife wants her husband to do more chores around the house. When she suggests that he do a quick clean-up after he gets ready to leave in the morning, he says, "Yes, that would help, but I really don't have time in the morning." When she suggests that he set aside some time on the weekend, he says "Yes, that could be a way to schedule it in, but we usually have plans on weekends, and I have work to catch up on, so that won't work." This "yes-butting" behavior suggests that her ideas and views are not worthwhile. Another destructive, defensive behavior is "cross-complaining," when you respond to your partner's complaint with one of your own. For example, responding to "You don’t clean up enough around the house" with "You’re a neat freak." It's important to hear your partner out and really consider what they're saying. 3

7. Take a different perspective.

In addition to listening to your partner, you need to take their perspective and try to understand where they're coming from. Those who can take their partner's perspective are less likely to become angry during a conflict discussion. 8

Other research has shown that taking a more objective perspective can also be helpful. In one study, researchers staged a simple marital quality intervention, asking participants to write about a specific disagreement they had with their partners from the perspective of a neutral third party who wanted the best for both members of the couple. Couples that engaged in this 20-minute writing exercise three times a year maintained stable levels of marital satisfaction over the course of the year, while couples who didn’t showed declines in satisfaction. 9

8. Do not show contempt for your partner.

Of all of the negative things you can do and say during a conflict, the worst may be contempt . Gottman has found that it is the top predictor of divorce. 3 Contemptuous remarks are those that belittle your partner. This can involve sarcasm and name-calling. It can also include nonverbal behavior like rolling your eyes or smirking. Such behavior is extremely disrespectful, and implies that you're disgusted with your partner.

Imagine that one partner says, "I wish you took me out more," and the other responds, "Oh yes, the most important thing is to see and be seen and overpay for tiny portions of food at some rip-off restaurant. Could you be more superficial?" Or one partner says they're too tired to clean up, and the other responds, "I'm sure you're sooo exhausted after a long day of chatting at the water cooler. I've been busting my butt all day, and you just get home and sprawl out on the couch, staring at your smartphone like a teenager ." This kind of contempt makes it impossible to engage in a real discussion and is likely to elicit anger from your partner, rather than an attempt to solve the problem.

9. Don't get overwhelmed with negativity.

It can be hard not to respond to a partner's bad behavior with even more bad behavior. But indulging that urge will only make the conflict worse. When couples engage in what Gottman and his colleagues calls "negative affect reciprocity," they trade more and more heated insults and contemptuous remarks. 10 And as the conflict goes on, the negativity escalates. So how much is too much negativity? In his research, Gottman found that the magic number is a 5 to 1 ratio : Couples that maintained a ratio of five positive behaviors (e.g., attempts at good-natured humor , warmth, collaboration ) to each negative behavior were significantly less likely to be divorced or separated four years later. 11

10. Know when it's time for a time-out.

If you see yourself falling into negative patterns and find that either you or your partner are not following the tips above, consider taking a time out from your argument. Even a short break for a few deep breaths can be enough to calm hot tempers. 12

What the research on conflict shows is that both perspective taking and controlling your anger are key to managing conflicts well. Airing your grievances can be productive for your relationship, but conflicts must be skillfully managed or you run the risk of making them worse.

1 Canary, D. J., & Lakey, S. (2013). Strategic conflict . New York: Routledge.

2 Overall, N. C., Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., & Sibley, C. G. (2009). Regulating partners in intimate relationships: The costs and benefits of different communication strategies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96 , 620-639.

3 Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes . Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

4 Fraenkel, P. & Markman, H. J. (2002). Prevention of marital disorders. In D. S. Glenwick & L. A. Jason (Eds.), Innovative strategies for promoting health and mental health across the lifespan (pp. 245-271). New York: Springer.

5 McNulty, J. & Russell, V. M. (2010). When "negative" behaviors are positive: A contextual analysis of the long-term effects of problem-solving behaviors on changes in relationship satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98 , 587-604.

6 Daigen, V. & Holmes, J. G. (2000). Don’t interrupt! A good rule for marriage? Personal Relationships, 7 , 185-201.

7 Markman, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. M (1994). Fighting for your marriage: Positive steps for preventing divorce and preserving a lasting love . San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

8 Arriaga, X. B., & Rusbult, C. E. (1998). Standing in my partner’s shoes: Partner perspective taking and reactions to accommodative dilemmas. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 24 , 927–948.

9 Finkel, E. J., Slotter, E. B., Luchies, L. B., Walton, G. M., & Gross, J. J. (2013). A brief intervention to promote conflict reappraisal preserves marital quality over time. Psychological Science, 24 , 1595–1601.

10 Levenson, R. W., Carstensen, L. L., & Gottman, J. M. (1994). Influence of age and gender on affect, physiology, and their interrelations: A study of long-term marriages. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67 (1), 56-68.

11 Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63 (2), 221-233.

12 Tavris, C. (1989). Anger: The misunderstood emotion . New York: Simon and Schuster.

Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology at Albright College.

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Marriage Counseling Toolkit: 30 Couples Therapy Worksheets

Indeed, according to the American Psychological Association (2020), between 40 and 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce.

Nevertheless, there are many approaches, often relatively straightforward, that have been shown to improve relationships. Research has identified that even increasing the number of positive interactions over negative ones can improve marriage stability (Budiharto, Meliana, & Rumondor, 2017).

Whether facilitated through one-to-one therapy, books, or mobile apps, the marriage counseling tools and approaches discussed in this article can strengthen marriage’s emotional bonds and improve overall relationship satisfaction.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will help you or your clients build healthy, life-enriching relationships.

This Article Contains:

20 helpful questions for your sessions, 4 couples therapy worksheets for your clients, 3 activities and exercises, assessment methods and questionnaires, extra marriage counseling tips, a look at useful apps, our useful resources, a take-home message.

In Gottman and Silver’s excellent book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999), John Gottman describes how, after observing a couple’s interaction for only 15 minutes, he can predict the likelihood that they will remain together.

And, surprisingly, he is almost always right. When researchers tested his predictions, he was 91% accurate.

So, based on decades of research and interviewing thousands of couples, what did he conclude was the secret behind a happy marriage?

“ Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others ,” he says. It is simpler than that. In successful marriages , partners are more positive than negative about one another. And this emotional intelligence can be seen, even in relatively short interactions. After all, a positive attitude radiates through all areas of the relationship: play, romance, learning, and adventure.

With that in mind, marriage counseling provides a vital opportunity to observe couples’ interactions, assess where conflict arises, and agree on the steps required to meet both partners’ needs.

Key questions

The couple should put together a list of questions they have for each other to make the best use of time in each marriage counseling session.

The following questions can be shared during couples therapy, but they should be encouraged to come up with a personalized list in advance of the session:

• What are the biggest problems in our marriage?
• Do we want to stay together?
• Is this a temporary phase (or is it something more permanent)?
• When did these problems start?
• Do you believe we can save our marriage?
• Do you love me, and if so, in what way?
• What do you love most about me?
• Do you trust me?
• Is there anything you don’t trust about me?
• Are you satisfied with our degree of intimacy?
• Are you seeing anyone else? Do you want to?
• Do you feel you can talk to me about anything?
• Is there anything from our past that still bothers you?
• Why do you want this to work out?
• What do you expect from our counseling sessions?
• Do you see a future?
• What can I do to make our marriage better?
• Where do you see our marriage in one/five/ten years?
• Do you know how much I love/respect/admire you?
• Are you/we willing to make the changes needed?

Asking questions can help uncover important underlying issues and benefit from the relationship therapy environment’s safety  to help the couple discuss, move forward, and overcome their difficulties.

Emotionally intelligent marriages are more likely to succeed. But what do they look like?

While Gottman’s research identified that happy marriages were rarely a perfect union, they all shared several crucial factors.

A happy marriage builds upon (Gottman & Silver, 1999):

• Friendship rather than fighting Deep friendship is at the heart of the marriage.
• Sound relationship High levels of trust and total commitment maintain the relationship.
• Capacity to repair A healthy companionship supports repair following disagreements and conflict.
• Marriage purpose A partnership has a purpose, where each supports the other’s hopes and dreams.

On the other hand, when a quarrelsome couple in a less emotionally intelligent marriage is arguing over who should take the trash out, it most likely signifies deeper issues.

According to Gottman, “ most marital arguments cannot be resolved. ” After all, how can you change another’s fundamental values or personality? Still, learning to understand what underpins disagreements and how to live with them can  lead to a happier marriage with shared meaning and a sense of purpose.

So how do we do this?

Working together – completing questionnaires, reading books, or attending counseling sessions – can strengthen marriages, overcome difficulties, and reduce negative attitudes (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Babcock, Gottman, Ryan, & Gottman, 2013).

And yet, there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to couples therapy, so try out the following worksheets with your clients and see what works well. Their success may vary depending on personalities and the state of the marriage.

Seeing the good in a partner

When things are difficult in a relationship and resentments build up, it is easy to forget the qualities we first saw in a partner.

Share the Valuing My Partner Worksheet to remind the client what first attracted them to their partner.

Getting to know your partner

Learning more about your partner early in a relationship (or as part of a building exercise in a long-term relationship) can be fun and rewarding:

• The About Your Partner Worksheet can either be completed during a conversation between partners or independently and used in a subsequent counseling session.
• The Relationship Qualities Worksheet captures what each partner enjoys, what they would like to do in the future, and their longer term goals. Use the questions during couples’ therapy to build a bank of positive feelings and a list of activities to revisit as a couple.

Changing the sentence’s subject

The overuse of “you” during an argument or sensitive conversation can lead to escalation or withdrawal by the other person.

The Turning “You” into “I” spreadsheet helps each partner practice changing the subject of statements from “You” to “I” to avoid blame and facilitate a more reasoned discussion.

Once practiced, the couple can use such statements in the future when discussing sensitive issues with a partner.

10 Habits couples therapists say always end a marriage – Check Facts 360

To provide optimal assistance to your clients, guide them through the following activities and exerices.

Characteristics of successful clients

Marriage counselor Marina Williams has spent countless hours with couples in couple’s therapy seeking help for their marriages. Based on her experience, she provides each with a list of characteristics she has identified in her most successful clients.

Share the following list (modified from Williams, 2012) with your clients. Ask them to review each point and consider whether they can commit to the task:

• Make your appointments a priority. The most successful clients attend every appointment.
• Be willing to take risks and try new things. You are going to learn new skills, some of which may seem unfamiliar at first. Commit to trying them out.
• Prepare for each session. This is a vital opportunity for your marriage; take it. Come prepared with a list of what you want to discuss and any changes since the last session.
• Provide direct and honest feedback. Be open and honest about what is and is not working.

History and philosophy of your relationship

Couples sometimes need to reconnect with why they are fond of each other; looking back at their shared history can help.

Ask the couple to complete the  Relationship History and Philosophy Questionnaire . Use it to remind the couple why they first got together and how they view marriage (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Coping with your partner’s pain

Gottman’s extensive work with couples led him to an important conclusion. Happy couples live by the maxim “ When you are in pain, the world stops, and I listen .”

The  10 Tips for Coping With Your Partner’s Upset (modified from Gottman & Silver, 1999) can help partners be there and yet maintain their mental wellbeing, whether the negativity is directed at them or someone else.

Couple compatibility and areas of conflict

The Gottman Relationship Checkup questionnaire provides valuable insight into couple compatibility and areas of conflict that require attention.

It compares partners’ scores on several different elements of their relationship, including romance, emotional connection, commitment, values, and goals.

Once both partners have taken the questionnaire (usually it takes about two hours to complete), the therapist reviews the results before offering actionable recommendations.

Assessing marital conflict

Marriage requires balance and understanding between partners; when lost, conflicts arise and needs are forgotten.

As Gottman explains, each person in a marriage brings their own quirks, personalities, opinions, and values. It is, therefore, no surprise that conflicts arise. However, once recognized, it is possible to focus on and adjust coping strategies and regain marital balance.

Most couples are subsequently satisfied with their marriages and are no longer overwhelmed by points of contention (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

The following questionnaires drill down and capture the concerns and issues of each partner for discussion within counseling:

• The Marital Conflicts Questionnaire identifies conflict points and their triggers before exploring potential resolutions and how each partner is left feeling.
• The Resolving Marital Conflicts Questionnaire goes deeper, recognizing successful and unsuccessful coping strategies. Use it during couplea therapy to promote discussion regarding the best approach to resolving conflict  in the future.

For example, allow time to think before responding and reduce statements that blame and criticize.

Think of your relationship as the infrastructure of a house. There are certain foundational pillars that support your home. In the case of relationships, these are trust, commitment, and friendship. Without these pillars, the house (i.e., your relationship) can collapse (Gottman, 1999).

To visualize this, The Sound Relationship House Theory was developed. This theory distinguishes nine elements of a healthy and nurturing relationship, two of which represent the walls of the house, and seven of them are different levels of the house. These nine elements are:

• You believe your partner has your best interests at heart and that they value you as much as themselves.
• You believe your relationship is a lifelong journey, for better or for worse.
• You are interested in what goes on in your partner’s life, and you know about their current worries, stresses, joys, and dreams.
• You are generally fond of each other and accept and celebrate your differences. You enjoy each other’s interests and points of view.
• You make an effort to turn towards your partner when they try to connect with you.
• Your relationship has a generally positive feeling/vibe. Problems are approached with a sense of positivity and friendliness.
• You and your partner deal with arguments gently, maintaining respect for one another, and use humor at times to keep things light.
• You and your partner support each other’s life goals and dreams.
• Your relationship is a blend of both your values, culture, and beliefs. You are on the same page and navigate life with a sense of unity.

Using these, examine the soundness and stability of your relationship. Ask yourself: Is the foundation of trust and commitment strong enough to hold up the rest of the house levels in your relationship?

Need more? Have a look at the following valuable tips.

The important first session

While marriage counseling is important to you as a professional, it may also be the difference between building a happy marriage or losing your clients’ relationship.

The first session is, therefore, likely to be difficult for a couple. They will be nervous and uncertain about how marriage counseling will affect them.

The following four steps can be built upon or modified as required but offer a useful starting point for your initial meeting with clients (modified from Williams, 2012):

• Form a connection with the clients. A warm smile and initial small talk can help subsequent engagement in the session. Subtle mimicking of the clients’ body language (so long as it is not inappropriate or aggressive) can make them feel a sense of rapport and similarity.
• Gather information. Ask each partner what has brought them to counseling, their professions, medical history, and backgrounds. Inquire about the history of their relationship difficulties, specific behaviors, and feelings involved.
• Educate the clients about the process of marriage counseling. Explain that each session is structured with assignments given out weekly. Allay fears by confirming that you will not be taking sides or judging. It is not about who is right or wrong, but instead is about forgiveness and growing as a couple.
• Offer hope  by expressing confidence that the marriage can be saved. Do not provide guarantees; there are many factors involved, most of which are outside your control. If the couple leaves the first session feeling that things are likely to get better, they will begin to fix what is broken.

Avoid becoming overwhelmed

Whether discussing conflict within the relationship (or outside), it can be enormously beneficial to reach a state of calm. However, using phrases such as “ calm down ” will have the opposite effect and should be avoided.

Instead, it can be useful to discuss the feelings openly regarding being ‘overwhelmed’ or ‘flooded’:

• What makes us feel overwhelmed? When does it happen?
• Can we change how we bring up issues?
• Do we store up conflict, rather than discuss it?
• What can I do to soothe you?
• What can you do to comfort me?
• Can we develop signals to let each other know when we are feeling flooded?
• Can we agree on an action when flooding happens? For example, take a break.

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There are many relationship apps available. They include questionnaires, daily challenges, and even provide the opportunity to connect with an online counselor.

We have included four of the best options below. Try them out with your clients and find one that motivates them in a fun way to grow in their relationship:

1. Love Nudge

The app is based on the New York Times bestseller The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. (Available on Amazon .)

Find it in the Apple App Store or Google Play store .

2. Lasting: Marriage Health

Find it in the Apple App Store .

3. ReGain – Couples Therapy and Counseling

The ReGain app enables couples to get on-demand help from relationship counselors. Your client can talk with the counselor on their own or invite their partner through the app.

We have many tools and exercises available to help clients grow as an emotionally intelligent couple.

As well as being enjoyable and entertaining, they offer deep insight into both the relationship and the individuals involved, leading to the formation of stronger relationship bonds and a more resilient and happy marriage.

Try out the following with clients:

• A valuable skill in any relationship, is being able to manage anger. Use the Anger Exit and Re-Entry Routines worksheet to help couples move from conflict to constructive communication.
• How to Improve Communication in Relationships – 7 Essential Skills is an excellent resource for couples therapy to improve their communication.

In any relationship, healthy communication is a cornerstone of success. To work on improving communication, have a look at these recommended articles:

• Your Complete Nonviolent Communication Guide
• What Is Assertive Communication?
• 49 Communication Activities, Exercises, and Games

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others build healthy relationships, this collection contains 17 validated positive relationships tools for practitioners. Use them to help others form healthier, more nurturing, and life-enriching relationships.

17 Exercises for Positive, Fulfilling Relationships

Empower others with the skills to cultivate fulfilling, rewarding relationships and enhance their social wellbeing with these 17 Positive Relationships Exercises [PDF].

Created by experts. 100% Science-based.

Not only are married people more likely to have higher life satisfaction, but they also have lower levels of stress and an increased life expectancy.

However, as with all areas of life, it is easy to become overwhelmed by stress and conflict and lose the ability to see the positives.

And yet, this is where marriage counseling can be of most help. Indeed, there is a wealth of tools and approaches available to strengthen marriage bonds through increased emotional intelligence, communication , coping, and conflict resolution.

However, the challenge as Gottman sees it – based on his wealth of experience – is for therapists to get deep into the heart of what makes a relationship lasting and happy (Gottman & Silver, 1999). While it is crucial to keep communication lines open and improve problem-solving skills in marriage, emotional intelligence must also be fostered.

Use the tools provided with clients to increase the positive interactions, grow closer as a new couple, and recover some of the misplaced love, affection, kindness, and empathy in a longer lasting marriage.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free .

• American Psychological Association. (2020). Marriage & divorce. Retrieved September 28, 2020, from https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce.
• Babcock, J. C., Gottman, J. M., Ryan, K. D., & Gottman, J. S. (2013). A component analysis of a brief psycho-educational couples’ workshop: One-year follow-up results. Journal of Family Therapy, 35(3) , 252–280.
• Boyce, C. J., Wood, A. M., & Ferguson, E. (2016). For better or for worse: The moderating effects of personality on the marriage–life satisfaction link. Personality and Individual Differences, 97 , 61–66.
• Budiharto, W., Meliana, M., & Rumondor, P. C. (2017). Counselove: Marital counseling Android-based application to promote marital satisfaction. International Journal of Electrical and Computer Engineering , 7(1) , 542.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work . London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group.
• Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy . W.W. Norton & Company.
• Williams, M (2012). Couples counseling – A step by step guide for therapists . Viale Publishing.

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The passage provides a balanced view of marriage, highlighting both its advantages and challenges. It also offers practical solutions to improve relationships, such as increasing positive interactions and utilizing counseling tools. The inclusion of free Positive Relationships Exercises as a resource is a helpful addition for those looking to strengthen their relationships.

I think this article is fantastic! As someone who works as a relationship coach, I have been searching for questionnaires and I am delighted to have stumbled upon this article. The information and references provided are excellent!

It’s amazing all the resources and knowledge that you share in this article. Thank you so much.

Thanks for marriage advices that brings me from negative attitudes in marriage to positive attitude of marriage, thank you so much.

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Combining Socratic Questions With the “ADAPT” Problem-Solving Model: Implications for Couple's Conflict Resolution

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• Published 1 October 2007
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Two couples’ problem-solving activities, reflections on an 18-year adventure writing the ‘‘for couples’’ family journal column: an annotated bibliography, the art and science behind socratic questioning and guided discovery: a research review, psychotherapy according to the socratic method: integrating ancient philosophy with contemporary cognitive therapy, a couple’s planned renegotiation matrix, in a qualitative study of leadership in family firms, guided discovery.

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Problem Solving Matrix

An advanced solver for complex problems.

"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." - Mark Twain

Goal :  To solve your problem using our unique 4-dimensional matrix.

Matrix Diagram

Step 1 :   Explore the diagram below - it's a visualization of our entire Problem-Solving Matrix .

Helpful Hint:

If you're looking at this graphic for the first time, we don't expect you to completely understand it at first glance. We know it looks complex but each step is pretty simple. The reason we've presented it here is so you can have an overview to refer to as you go thru this process.

Word version of Problem-Solving Matrix.docx ( Click link to download Word version ).

Excel version of Problem-Solving Matrix.xlsx ( Click link to download Excel version ).

PDF version of Problem-Solving Matrix.pdf ( Click link to download PDF version ).

Major Categories

Step 2 :   Break your problem down in to its major component parts . We call these Major Categories . Your goal here is to identify all of your Major Categories. For help, use our Major Categories tool in the Toolkit to decompose your problem into its major factors.

Major Categories should be:

• Clearly defined,
• Mutually exclusive, and
• Collectively exhaustive.

This is a really important step! Your Major Categories are the foundation that the rest of your problem-solving structure will be built upon. Take your time here. You want to get this right the first time.

Objective Data of Your Problem

Step 3 :  We'll begin by working on the 1st Quadrant of the Problem-Solving Matrix . This exercise focuses your analysis on the Objective Data of your Problem (outlined in red below).

Step 4 :  Now let's zoom in . Here's a close-up view of the 1st Quadrant of the Problem-Solving Matrix . This matrix shows your Major Categories in columns by Interrogatory Dimensions in rows . You may have noticed that this is very similar to the List Solver except it has your Major Categories in columns.

Word version of Problem-Solving Matrix for Objective Data.docx ( Click link to download Word version ).

Excel version of Problem-Solving Matrix for Objective Data.xlsx ( Click link to download Excel version ).

PDF version of Problem-Solving Matrix for Objective Data.pdf ( Click link to download PDF version ).

Step 5 :   Download or print our Matrix Solver Form for your Objective Data (see Word, Excel, and PDF versions below). Print out one copy of the Matrix Solver Form for each one of your Major Categories.

Word version of Matrix Solver Form for Objective Data.docx ( Click link to download Word version ).

Excel version of Matrix Solver Form for Objective Data.xlsx ( Click link to download Excel version ). Preferred Option - For proficient Excel users ( see tab 'All Problem Objective Data' ).

PDF version of Matrix Solver Form for Objective Data.pdf ( Click link to download PDF version ).

Step 6 :   Get prepared to write down your objective data on your Matrix Solver Forms. Your objective data includes your:   Key Questions, Information (answers), Tasks, and Goals .

You'll be grouping them by:   Who, What, When, Where, Why, How, From Where, and To Where .

Step 7 :  Start with your Matrix Solver Form for 'Who' . You should have a 'Who' form for each one of your Major Categories. Write in your Major Categories in the space provided at the top of each one of your forms.

Write down the 'Who' questions that you think are most important to understanding your problem.

If you need some help to come up with good 'Who' questions, go to Toolkit and see our Preliminary List of Standard Who Questions .

Don't get bogged down with answering each one of your key questions as they come to mind; just write them down. Once you've got all your key questions listed, then you can go back and decide which ones need to be answered first. That being said, if a good quick answer comes up - definitely write it down.

Step 8 :   Write down any Information that's related to your 'Who' questions (i.e. your answers). Remember, 'Who' questions have to do with the People, Groups, & Human Aspects related to your problem. Also, write down the Tasks and Goals you have for yourself, for other people, and for groups you've included in your analysis.

Step 9 :  Once you've completed your investigation of the Who aspects of your problem, repeat the process (in Steps 7 & 8) for What , When , Where , Why , How , From Where , and To Where .

Step 10 :   Review your Objective Data about your Problem. Are there any gaps in your data?

Complex problems can generate hundreds, even thousands of rows of data. That's why we created the MySolver™ database software. It's for managing really big problems.

Subjective Thoughts About Your Problem

Step 11 :  Next, we'll begin working on the 2nd Quadrant of the Problem-Solving Matrix (outlined in red). This is where you analyze your Subjective Thoughts about your Problem .

Step 12 :  Here's a close-up view of the 2nd Quadrant of the Problem-Solving Matrix . This matrix shows your Major Categories in columns by Predispositions in rows .

Word version of Problem-Solving Matrix for Subjective Thoughts.docx ( Click link to download Word version ).

Excel version of Problem-Solving Matrix for Subjective Thoughts.xlsx ( Click link to download Excel version ).

PDF version of Problem-Solving Matrix for Subjective Thoughts.pdf ( Click link to download PDF version ).

Step 13 :   Download or print our Matrix Solver Form for your Subjective Thoughts (see Word, Excel, and PDF versions below):

Word version of Matrix Solver Form for Subjective Thoughts.docx ( Click link to download Word version ).

Excel version of Matrix Solver Form for Subjective Thoughts.xlsx ( Click link to download Excel version ). Preferred Option - For proficient Excel users ( see tab 'All Problem Subjective Thoughts' ).

PDF version of Matrix Solver Form for Subjective Thoughts.pdf ( Click link to download PDF version ).

Step 14 :   Get prepared to write down your subjective thoughts on your Matrix Solver Forms. Your subjective thoughts are your personal thoughts that are closely related to your problem.

You'll be grouping them by:   Intentions, Expectations, Assumptions, Intuitions, Opinions, Conclusions, Judgments, Beliefs, Hopes, and Gut Feelings.

Step 15 :  Start with your Matrix Solver Form for 'Intentions' . Write down your Intentions that you think are most important to your situation. Be sure to group these according to your Major Categories. If you need some help determining your Intentions, go to our Intentions tool in our Toolkit.

If you can't quickly come up with your Intentions, just skip it and go to the next predisposition. Keep in mind that your focus should be on the personal thoughts that are at the heart of your problem. In-other-words, this exercise is more about quality than quantity.

Step 16 :   Write down any other information that's related to your 'Intentions'. Remember, your 'Intentions' have to do with your Aspirations, Purposes, & Ambitions .

Step 17 :  Once you've completed your examination of your Intentions related to your problem, repeat the processes in Steps 11 & 12 for your Expectations , Assumptions , Intuitions , Opinions , Conclusions , Judgments , Beliefs , Hopes , and Gut Feelings .

Step 18 :   Print out the Subjective Thoughts Form below. If this is your first time using this form, take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with it.

Word version of Subjective Thoughts Form.docx ( Click link to download Word version ).

PDF version of Subjective Thoughts Form.pdf ( Click link to download PDF version ).

Step 19 :   Take one of your Subjective Thoughts that's at the heart of your problem. Write it into Box 1 on the Subjective Thoughts Form .

Step 20 :   Follow the instructions on the Subjective Thoughts Form and fill in the rest of the boxes on the form.

Step 21 :   Review your Subjective Thoughts , especially any unquestioned mental models that may support them.

Create Your Solutions

Step 22 :  Now, that you have a complete understanding of your problem, it's time to turn your attention to your solution. You can begin the process of creating solutions by looking at your goals and objectives. Go to your Matrix Solver Forms for your Objective Data and highlight your goals. There should be some goals in your 'To Where" forms.

Step 23 :  Use the Goals tool in our Toolkit to find and organize your goals.

Clarifying your goals will help keep your aim properly focused towards a successful solution.

Step 24 :   If you don't already have ideas for solutions, take a few moments to peruse the Create Solutions section of our Toolkit. We have dedicated a whole section in our Toolkit to help you generate solutions. Below, we've listed a few of our recommended tools.

Step 25 :  Go to our Analogies tool to create new ideas by generating analogies.

Step 26 :  Compare your problem to an analogy using our Similarities and Differences tool.

Step 27 :  Use our Structured Analogies Matrix tool to compare your problem to multiple analogies.

Step 28 :  Generate Metaphors to create new ideas.

Step 29 :  Create hypothetical solutions using our Hypothesis Generator tool.

Step 30 :  Use our Multiple Hypothesis Generator to create multiple hypotheses from a single hypothesis.

Your solution may not be one BIG solution. It could be fragmented into many smaller solutions. Break your problem down into smaller parts. Look at solving each part separately. Attack one problem at a time. If there are multiple problems, you must decide which one needs to be solved first.

Step 31 :  List your Alternatives .

Step 32 :  Look for Hotspots .

Step 33 :  If you don't already have a clear understanding of why you need more than one solution, please take a look at our Rival Hypotheses tool. Bottom line:  A choice of one is not a choice.

Objective Data of Your Solutions

Step 34 :  Next, we'll begin working with your Solutions . The 3rd Quadrant of the Problem-Solving Matrix deals with the Objective Data of your Solutions (outlined in red below).

As you can see, the 3rd Quadrant is a mirror image of the 1st Quadrant (except it's for the Solutions instead of the Problem) We've used this 'mirror' design because certain aspects of your solution will mirror aspects of your problem. These 'mirror' aspects can be extremely important to solving your problem.

Step 35 :  Here's the 3rd Quadrant of the Problem-Solving Matrix . Your Solutions populate the columns of this graphic.

Step 36 :  Get prepared to write down the Objective Data of your Solutions. You'll be gathering together your Key Questions, Information (answers), Tasks, and Goals for each Solution and then you'll be grouping them into Interrogatory Dimensions:   Who, What, When, Where, Why, How, From Where, and To Where .

Step 37 :  Download or print our Matrix Solver Forms for Objective Data (see Word, Excel, and PDF versions below):

Excel version of Matrix Solver Form for Objective Data.xlsx ( Click link to download Excel version ). Preferred Option - For proficient Excel users (see tab 'All Solutions Objective Data'.

Step 38 :  Start with the Matrix Solver Forms for 'Who'. You should have a 'Who' form for each one of your potential Solutions. Write your Solutions on the top of each form in the space provided. Then begin entering the 'Who' questions that you think are most important. If you need some help to come up with good questions, go to our list of standard Who questions in our Toolkit.

Don't get bogged down with answering each question at this time. Once you've got all your key questions listed you can prioritize them.

Step 39 :  Write down any information that's related to your 'Who' questions. Remember, 'Who' questions have to do with 'People, Groups, & Human Aspects'. Also, list your tasks and goals for the people and groups on the form.

Step 40 :  Once you've investigated the Who aspects of your problem, move on to What , When , Where , Why , How , From Where , and To Where .

Step 41 :  Review your Objective Data.

Subjective Thoughts About Your Solutions

Step 42 :  Next we'll begin working on the 4th Quadrant of the Problem-Solving Matrix (outlined in red). This is where you analyze your Subjective Thoughts about your Solutions .

As you can see, the 4th Quadrant is a mirror image of the 2nd Quadrant (except you analyze your Solutions) We've used this 'mirror' design because there are aspects of your solution that will mirror aspects of your problem. These aspects can be extremely important to solving your problem.

Step 43 :  Here's another way to view the 4th Quadrant of the Problem-Solving Matrix .

Step 44 :  Get prepared to write down your Subjective Thoughts . Gather together your personal thoughts that are closely related to your problem. You'll be sorting these by your Solutions and then grouping them into Predispositions:   Intentions, Expectations, Assumptions, Intuitions, Opinions, Conclusions, Judgments, Beliefs, Hopes, & Gut Feelings .

Step 45 :  Download or print our Matrix Solver Forms for Subjective Thoughts (see Word, Excel, and PDF versions below):

Excel version of Matrix Solver Form for Subjective Thoughts.xlsx ( Click link to download Excel version ). Preferred Option - For proficient Excel users (see tab 'All Solutions Subjective Thoughts').

Step 46 :  Start with the Matrix Solver Form for 'Intentions'. Just write down your Intentions that you think are important to this situation. If you need some help determining your Intentions, go to our Intentions tool in our Toolkit.

If you can't quickly come up with your Intentions, just skip it and go to the next predisposition. Keep in mind that your focus should be on the personal thoughts that are at the heart of your problem. In-other-words, it's more about quality than quantity.

Step 47 :  Once you've investigated your Intentions , move on to your Expectations , Assumptions , Intuitions , Opinions , Conclusions , Judgments , Beliefs , Hopes , and Gut Feelings .

Step 48 :  Print out the Subjective Thoughts Form below. If this is your first time using this form take a few minutes to familiarize yourself this it.

Step 49 :  Take one of your Predispositions that's at the heart of your Solution and write it into Box 1 on the Subjective Thoughts Form.

Step 50 :  Follow the instructions and fill out the rest of the Subjective Thoughts Form.

Step 51 :  Review your Subjective Thoughts and the unquestioned mental models that support them.

Evaluate Your Solutions

Step 52 :  Now, that you've got your solutions created and analyzed you may need to determine which solution is best for you. To evaluate your solutions, go to the Evaluate Solutions section of our Toolkit . Below, we've listed a few of our recommended tools.

Step 53 :  Go to our Negative Brainstorming tool to examine your solutions for potential failures.

Step 54 :  Analyze your solutions for potential problems with our Potential Problem Analysis tool.

Step 55 :  Play the Devil's Advocate by presenting the best possible case against a proposed plan.

Step 56 :  Rank your alternatives by comparing them in paired sets with our Paired Comparison Analysis tool.

Step 57 :  Use our Grid Analysis tool to create a score for each one of your alternatives by ranking your Solutions for each Major Category, then weighting each one of your Major Categories.

Step 58 :  Create a matrix for testing hypotheses with our Hypothesis Testing Matrix tool.

Step 59 :  We also have many Decision-Making Methods listed at the end of the Evaluate Solutions section of our Toolkit.

Complex problems can generate hundreds, even thousands of rows of data. That's why we created the MySolver™ database software. MySolver helps you manage really big problems. It puts all your information at your fingertips.

Key Points:

• Determine the Major Categories of your problem.
• Organize your data and thoughts using our Matrix Solver Forms.
• Find answers to your key questions and gather other important information.
• Identify your tasks and goals.
• Examine your subjective thoughts (i.e. the thoughts you're predisposed to).
• Surface, test, and improve you unquestioned mental models.
• Create sensible solutions to your problem.
• Evaluate your solutions.

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Mathematics > Numerical Analysis

Title: a sherman--morrison--woodbury approach to solving least squares problems with low-rank updates.

Abstract: We present a simple formula to update the pseudoinverse of a full-rank rectangular matrix that undergoes a low-rank modification, and demonstrate its utility for solving least squares problems. The resulting algorithm can be dramatically faster than solving the modified least squares problem from scratch, just like the speedup enabled by Sherman--Morrison--Woodbury for solving linear systems with low-rank modifications.

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